Twelve Key Points on Acceptance and Mindfulness

Just because you think it doesn’t make it true. For example, “I think I am going to fail.” It doesn’t have to be true, but thinking in this way can create your own self-fulfilling prophesy.

Feeling it doesn’t make it fact. “I have a bad feeling about tomorrow’s interview” It isn’t fated to go badly, but a person’s poor choices based on their feeling could lead to problems.

Thoughts, feelings, concepts are creations of your mind. As such, you can step back from them and observe them. Getting some distance gives them less power and you more control.

We cloud our current experience by thoughts of past events and worries about future outcomes.

Mindfulness is being present in the moment, experiencing without judgment.

When we try to avoid something or try to get rid of it, we give it more power over us.

When we experience something as it is, we don’t experience it as worse than it is.

The goal is not to get rid of discomfort; rather it is to simply be able to be with the discomfort.

Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Be mindful of your thinking so that you can alter it if it is extreme or limiting.

Be mindful during moments that you want to experience fully, without distraction.

Practice moments of mindfulness as a form of meditation and relaxation.

Quality Relationships: Three Harmful Traits

It is time to evaluate the quality of your relationships and the effect they have on you. We know that we should get out of abusive relationships and much has been written about what an abusive relationship is and red flags to watch for to avoid getting into an abusive relationship. But there are people who are not malicious, who mean us no harm, and still we should question if it is good for ourselves to be in relationships with them. At the turn of a new year, many of us reassess our goals and our habits in the effort to make a long, fulfilling, quality life. One aspect to look at is relationships which may be doing us harm. There are three qualities in others which may be harmful to us:

People who do not have healthy habits: A person who eats too much, or drinks too much, or has other unhealthy habits can negatively influence you. When the person you live with spends a large amount of time on the couch watching TV and movies, or playing video games, you are likely to get sucked in to doing that with them. It is much harder to get yourself out the door to exercise when your partner encourages couch sitting. Or someone you live with prefers unhealthy food and brings it home. Some people actively sabotage ones efforts to be healthy, by encouraging you to drink when you are trying to abstain, for example, or to eat another serving when you are trying to be moderate. Also, if the people you are spending time with are unhealthy, they will limit the activities you engage in as you defer to their limitations. Some health issues are inevitable, but a person can choose to value healthy living. It is an indicator of the quality of life they want.

People who are chronically depressed: Now, we all want to help our friends and loved ones when they are down and we should. We should be patient, understanding, and empathetic. But there are some people who are depressed as an approach to life. They are depressed more than not over a span of years. It is their default. If a depressed person does not seek to change their perspective on life, to change their negative thinking, to take action to counter their depression, you certainly are not going to bring them out of their depression. And their depression will bring you down. You have the right to surround yourself with people who enhance your life.

People who have no interests or initiative: Some people are good people, but they have no interests that they invest in. They do not have a desire to develop and contribute their talents to society. For example, a person who is thrilled that they can get away with taking an hour long nap most days at work. These are people who don’t care about much and don’t have much to talk about. One way that we make a fulfilling life for ourselves is by contributing something of value, spending our time doing something that we consider important. A person who doesn’t care about much will not further your efforts in making a fulfilling life.

JoLynn Braley, a blogger about healthy lifestyles, says this:

“I don’t think that a negative, unhealthy, toxic relationship is worth hanging on to for either party. At the same time though, I cannot say that it’s always an easy thing to choose your own health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) above a relationship and it does take a strong person to do so, but it can certainly be done.

It is also very possible to leave the toxic relationship with love and while your partner may not be happy with this, above all you must love and respect yourself. If staying in the relationship takes you out of integrity with yourself you are not treating yourself with respect, which will create and attract more negativity in your life.”

You can see her entire article at the following link:

http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/08/13/personal-growth-uncover-toxic-relationship/

What to do:

Work on your own outlook and approach to life. If you are negative or pessimistic, try to put things into better perspective and not lean so heavily toward the negative. Work on being grateful for the good things in your life. This may help to attract more positive people to you.

Spend your time in activities with others who share your interests and who also value being healthy in mind and body. Don’t give up on your own health because some around you don’t share the same goals.

Communicate your concerns with the harmful people in your life. Give them a chance to work on themselves. If they don’t actively try to improve, limit your time with them. It might be time to consider ending your relationship with them. Relationships are better when you share the same values.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2149587_surround-yourself-positive-people.html

You have one life. Make the best of it.

Auto Accident Brings Stress Management to Forefront

Just two weeks ago, I received a phone call at night from my son, away at college, who had just been in an auto accident. That experience brings the subject of stress management straight to the forefront. Here was a real threat. He could have been permanently injured or killed by this accident. It was sudden and completely out of one’s control. It compounded upon previous stressors we had already been managing. I needed to rally and to cope.

In the face of a sudden, serious threat, the body’s fight-or-flight response initiates. The activating hormone, adrenaline, and the stress hormone, cortisol, are released into the physical system. During an imminent threat, this is the exact and appropriate change needed. A person becomes more alert and energized, the heart beats faster, respirations increase, muscles tighten, and all of the body’s resources are mobilized. Bodily functions which are not essential to the moment are dampened, such as digestion, rest, and repair.

For my son, the fight-or-flight response was quite helpful. He was able to pull himself out of the car through a broken window, climb a steep embankment, travel by foot seeking help, cope with being wet and freezing cold, keep his wits together to obtain items he needed such as a room key and access to a phone as his were lost in the accident, and was able to communicate with police, tow companies, and myself. I was at home experiencing the fight-or-flight response which mainly served to help my alertness and problem solving in communicating with my son. I also mobilized the next day to contact insurance companies and traveled to my son to ensure he got medical attention and practical matters were accomplished.

A few days after this intense moment, my son and I both felt the after effects of the fight-or-flight response. During the emergency, our immune systems were dampened, digestive functions were delayed, rest and recovery functions were set aside. My son came down with a sore throat. I came down with a severe intestinal flu. He reported exhaustion, headache, muscular aches and pains.

Unfortunately, the stress from the accident doesn’t go away quickly, it continues. Now my son was behind in his school work and he had additional new work as well as exams. I had numerous phone calls and tasks related to various insurances, phone service replacement, auto replacement, financial issues and increased requirements for problem solving.

The question arose:

How do we keep going without falling apart?

A recent article in Psychology Today discusses the connections between exposure to stress and lack of supportive environments to the triggering of mental illness in those with predisposing factors. It also notes research connecting cortisol to changes in the neurotransmitter, dopamine. This is one of the neurotransmitters involved in mood disorders such as depression. The presence of cortisol is also related to weight gain. Research continues to support the need to effectively manage stress in order to maintain health.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201301/cortisol-why-the-stress-hormone-is-public-enemy-no-1

There were several stress management techniques which I employed during this time.

Modeling: I thought of my parents who were always there for me. They steadily and persistently managed life stresses. I could feel the presence of their support during this time even though they have both been passed away for several years. They were an example to me and I would do the same for my son. I would persist and manage the situation. My son also demonstrated that he would persist, possibly influenced by my being an example to him.

Cognition: My thought processes were very important during this time. I was very aware of aspects of stress management. I consciously gave myself permission to take the steps needed to manage stress. I also managed my thinking, catching and altering negative and defeating thoughts. I advised my son to not get upset about future worries which had not come to pass.

Time Management Choices: I prioritized tasks. Things like laundry and basic house cleaning were neglected. Medical and financial matters were the main focus. I took a day and traveled to my son to get him medically assessed and to take care of practical matters. I took a two hour lunch one day and spent the time making phone calls and completing paperwork.

Communication: I informed my co-workers who then made accommodations for me and altered their expectations of my work load. The physician who examined my son wrote a letter asking the school and professors to take into account my son’s situation. My son e-mailed his professors and all of them extended the deadlines for assignments.

Limits/Boundaries: I said no to some activities and postponed others. I said no to friends and family for the time being. I also delegated some aspects to my son as was possible.

Exercise: I continued a mild to moderate exercise routine. Though I am a runner, I only felt like walking on the treadmill. That was ok. I still went to the gym, did the treadmill, and lifted some weights. I started doing some Pilates exercises at home. Exercise helps to expel the lingering cortisol, the stress hormone, which remains in the body. It also makes use of any adrenaline which is still being released. The following article discusses cortisol and exercise and nutrition.

http://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/two-easy-changes-that-will-stress-proof-your-brain.html

Rest/Sleep/Relaxation: My needs for sleep increased and I allowed myself the downtime. I slept on the couch during the news. I went to bed early. I kept a schedule and a routine. I like to stretch for relaxation. Some people implement mindfulness or meditation techniques. Some listen to music. The main thing is to allow yourself time to rest. Do something which counteracts the stress response and turns it off.

Two weeks from the accident, my son and I seem to be recovering. Chronic stress takes a toll on people physically, emotionally, and mentally. Be aware of the real need for stress management, make it a priority, and give yourself permission to take care of your own health.

Nine Ways to Stay Out of Destructive Relationship Triangles

                                                   Me with the cast of Capone's Dinner and Show in Orlando, FL

Relationship triangles are the template for romantic dramas, especially those of daytime TV. Multiple hidden relationships involving betrayal and revenge fuel the interest of the audience. Mark finds that his current girlfriend is pregnant and she dreams of love and marriage with him. He is ambivalent, and in fact, has just returned from visiting his previous wife in an attempt to reconcile. She has rebuffed him. In the meantime, his very first wife is just out of prison and is maneuvering to attack him legally for custody of their young daughter. He has done all he can to keep her far away and out of his daughter’s life. The little girl’s loyalties shift depending on who is talking to her, and for some reason, she is angry with her father. The man’s current girlfriend tries to make alliances with both of the ex-wives, supposedly to best help him care for the daughter, but these alliances could easily turn against him if he were to decide he doesn’t want to be with her after all. Each person involved is bound to get hurt. We know something terrible is looming, and we watch expectantly. This is entertaining when it is on TV. It is destructive in real life.

In real life, it is best to stay out of relationship triangles. It is healthiest for individuals to have direct relationships without interference from a third actor.

It is possible for a person to have a good relationship with one individual even though that same person had a terrible relationship with another. If a positive relationship can exist, it should be given the opportunity. This is most obvious when it involves parents with children. While a parent may mess up their adult relationship with the other parent, that same person can develop a good relationship with their child. And the child deserves the right to experience a positive relationship with each parent, if possible. (If abuse is a factor, appropriate precautions need to be in place to protect children.)

This point became clear to me one day when I was attending a workshop. A man in his 60s told the group that he had always considered his father to be a good, wonderful man. When his father passed away, this man was talking about his dad’s attributes when other family members began to disagree with him. Evidently, all of the other members of the man’s family considered the father to be mean, spiteful, argumentative, and other hurtful characteristics that the man in our group had not experienced his father to be. He was shocked and surprised, but he was also grateful that he had been able to have a good relationship with his father. The other family members had not interfered with his developing this relationship.

In a relationship triangle, aspects of one relationship pair influence the interactions of each person in another relationship. This could be in the form of power alliances or in the form of misdirected emotion. For example, if one’s relationship with another is shaky, in other words, it might not hold up under stress, the partners in that relationship might find a common enemy in another person. This helps to bond them together while setting the other as an outcast and focus of their joint attacks. In another example, it may be that one person carries anger at a significant individual, but cannot express that anger directly for fear of losing that important person. The anger gets expressed elsewhere, directed at a person who doesn’t necessarily deserve that anger, or that intensity of anger. An example is when one cannot directly address anger or frustration with a manager and comes home to be grouchy and irritable with family members.

The approach to take with relationship triangles is to try to stay out of them. Do not draw others into your issues and stay out of others’ issues. Each individual needs to manage their own situations directly.

Develop assertive communication skills which give you the ability to be direct in your interactions.

If you are angry with someone, go to them directly to try to solve it.

If you are having a strong emotion or significant event, tell others so that they know what the real issue is and it does not get expressed indirectly.

Do not draw someone else in to be your ally against the person with whom you are having issue.

Do not keep secrets. The act of holding a secret creates an alliance between the secret keepers. This creates a closer bond between them and a lesser bond between each and the one left out of the secret.

Discuss problems and issues without blaming.

Trust that individuals have the ability to handle their own situations and that it is healthy for them to develop this ability for themselves.

Also, trust that others have the strength to handle the truth and that they would prefer to be in an honest relationship with you.

Start Communication Off Right with the Word 'I'

Taking care of oneself includes speaking up when something is amiss. It means you do not just stay quiet and tolerate or put up with behaviors from others which are bothering you. Reasons people tend to not speak up include: fear of the other person’s reaction, not wanting to be rude, not believing they have the right to say anything, not wanting to hurt someone else’s feelings, fear of it turning into an argument, fear of retribution or a negative outcome, and more.

Learning how to initiate a conversation about a problem issue with less inflammatory words can go a long way in promoting problem solving rather than conflict. When making a statement about what is bothering them, many people resort to statements which begin with the word, ‘you.’ For example, “You never listen to me!” or “You make me so angry!” The problem with starting a statement with ‘you’ is that it is accusatory and it quickly results in the receiving person becoming defensive. Immediately, they are less open to listening and more into supporting their own position. Sentences starting with ‘you’ are fighting words.

If you really want to bring up a problem to have it worked through and resolved with the important people in your life, you need to bring it up in a manner which is more egalitarian, which presents it as a shared problem to resolve, our problem.

A simple change is to replace ‘you’ with ‘I’ at the beginning of a statement.

Starting a statement with ‘I’ sends the message that you recognize you are presenting your point of view, your feelings, reactions, perspective, and that there could be a different perspective. It allows for the possibility that there could be a misunderstanding. It allows for discussion.

There is a formula for creating useful ‘I’ statements:

I (think/feel) ____________ when you (do some behavior), and I would like you to (do something different.)

Using this formula also helps to focus the discussion on a particular specific problem rather than some vague, blanket accusation about the other’s character.

For example, the above statement of “You never listen to me!” becomes “I feel ignored when you text while I am talking; I wish you would stop and give me your full attention.” The statement, “You make me so angry!” becomes “I am getting too angry, I need a moment to calm down.” In both ‘I’ statements, the speaker takes some responsibility for their own feelings and perspective. Both leave room for further discussion of each person’s point-of-view on the matter.

Common pitfalls:

People say “I feel” and then follow it with their thoughts on the matter. Saying “I feel” does not make it all ok if you still state judgments and accusations. 

The wrong way: “I feel you are a selfish pig!”

The right way, “I feel discounted.” “I think it is rude when people talk over others. I think it means they don’t value the other person.”

Also, it is not necessary to completely eliminate the word ‘you’ from the statement. The important thing is to not start the statement with ‘You.’ When describing the problem behavior, the word ‘you’ may still be used. For example, “I get upset when you leave your underwear on the floor.”

Using ‘I’ statements doesn’t mean you are ‘right’ and others have to comply with your directions for their behavior. Remember, you are entitled to your own feelings, but people don’t always have to behave according to your directions. Using ‘I’ statements is a tool for open discussion; it is not a tool for controlling others.

Changing to ‘I’ statements doesn’t guarantee conflict free communication, it just gives improved communication a chance. There are many variables involved in successful communication, such as timing, stress levels, personality, values and beliefs, to name a few.

If you want to be part of the solution, try implementing a change to using ‘I’ statements.

Six Key Approaches to Treating Depression Including The Brain Simplified

Depression: helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, feeling overwhelmed, trouble concentrating, sleeping all of the time or not being able to sleep, overeating or complete loss of appetite, significant weight gain or weight loss, irritability and easy to anger, isolating and lack of interest in usual activities. It may include suicidal thinking and/or attempts, but not always.

How the depressed brain functions:

Brain cells (neurons) communicate by sending electrical signals down long extensions (axons). Brain cells are not connected to each other. When the electrical signal reaches the end of the axon, it releases chemicals into the space between that axon and the next brain cell. These chemicals, called neurotransmitters, cross the space and attach to specific sites on the next cell’s receptors. In this manner, messages are passed on between brain cells. Once the message has been sent, the chemical neurotransmitters are sucked back up by the sending brain cell, a process called re-uptake. In depression, the amount of available chemical neurotransmitters is very low. Brain cells do not communicate effectively and the person’s overall functioning is compromised.

How do you treat depression?

First, get a physical including lab work to rule out any underlying health issues such as deficient vitamin D levels or thyroid dysfunction.

Anti-Depressant Medications: Most of the anti-depressant medications used today function by slowing down the re-uptake process and help to keep neurotransmitters present in the space between cells longer so that signals are sent more effectively between brain cells. The neurotransmitters targeted by medication tend to be serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. 

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) include Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, amongst others.
Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) include Cymbalta and Effexor, for example.
Norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitors (NDRIs) are represented by only one medication, Wellbutrin.

By the way, many recreational drugs attach to the receptor sites in the brain which are meant for the neurotransmitters. Cocaine, for example, attaches to dopamine receptor sites. If the brain thinks there is more neurotransmitter available than needed, which would be the case if another chemical is filling the receptor sites, then the brain stops producing that neurotransmitter – hence withdrawal and depression when a person stops using drugs.

Counseling: People suffering from depression benefit greatly from counseling. The type of counseling most effective for depression as demonstrated by research is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). A more modern version being used now is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Both of these therapies have a person look at their patterns of thinking and work to change negative and extreme patterns to more constructive thinking which helps to improve mood and outlook. A focusing technique called Mindfulness is currently incorporated into these approaches. Mindfulness helps a person to not be influenced so much by past experiences or worries about future outcomes and helps a person to more fully experience the present moment. A key component of mindfulness is the elimination of negative self-assessment and judgment.
Issues of anxiety are also effectively treated by these therapeutic methods. Depression and anxiety frequently co-exist.
(Finding a counselor that you like and feel comfortable talking with can be just as effective no matter what therapeutic approach they employ.)

Multiple research studies over many years have shown that therapy plus medication results in more improvement than either therapy or medication alone.

Sleep: In depression, sleep is generally disrupted. The person may have trouble falling asleep, may awaken in the night and not be able to go back to sleep, or wakes early in the morning and can’t get any more sleep. Ongoing sleep disruption takes a toll on a person’s mood, functioning, and health. A person should not remain in bed trying to go back to sleep if it has not come in about half-an-hour. Our brains are creatures of association. If you lie in bed thinking and ruminating for hours, your brain comes to associate bed with thinking. It determines that lying in bed is your time and place for thinking. Get up out of bed and leave the bedroom if possible. Keep the lights low and activities quiet and mellow, even boring, and follow these guidelines:

Keep a schedule. Go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time every day.

Have a bedtime routine such as: dress for bed, brush teeth, organize items for the next day, read for a little while.

Turn off all electronics an hour before bed. Lights from electronics disrupt sleep cycles. Cover any lights that must stay on, such as clock lights. Have a dark room. Keep things a little cooler as well at nighttime. Do not sleep to the TV. Again, the brain makes associations, you might not be able to sleep without a TV, or you might wake up at certain times because the brain thinks it is TV watching time. You do not get the benefits of all of the brain’s sleep cycles with a TV on.

Do not get hooked on sleeping aid medications. These also disrupt the natural sleep cycles and you do not get truly deep, restorative sleep. Melatonin is produced naturally by the brain just before nightfall and signals the brain and body to relax for sleep. You can get melatonin over the counter and take it an hour or two before your regular bedtime. Talk with your physician about the effects of long-term use.

Learn and practice relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, or meditation as part of your bedtime routine.

Exercise: Exercise earlier in the day and not close to bed time. Aerobic exercise, which gets your heart pumping, has been shown to increase levels of serotonin and dopamine in the brain. Find an activity you like to do. Walking gets you out into the fresh air and sunshine. A recent study has found that being out in the morning sunlight improves mood.

Socialize: Human beings are meant to affiliate with other human beings. Positive interactions with others can lift a depressed mood. It can be as simple as a pleasant ‘hello’ in passing or witnessing joking or teasing which happens naturally in many interactions. If a person is inclined, volunteer work can help improve one’s own outlook. Loving a pet fits under this category, as well.

Work to solve problems: High stress situations and ongoing life problems contribute to depression. Treating the symptoms of depression can help put one in a better state to approach and solve life problems. Seek out information and educate yourself on the issue, explore options, seek assistance, start taking steps to solve, improve, or change the situation.

Many of these approaches you can do on your own or with others and you can seek assistance from professionals for an objective view of your situation. 

Camping Demonstrates Personal Growth

I went camping last weekend. I am not the same person I used to be. Several aspects of this camping trip make that very clear to me.

Organizing and packing: I do it all and I am very good at it. Several times this weekend as an item was needed I said, “I have that!” This is in contrast to my ex-husband giving up on me by our second camping trip partly because I did not contribute to organizing, packing or meal planning due to not knowing how to do it. I have the ability now because after the divorce, I wanted to take my two sons camping and I studied up on products and read books in my own manner of learning and careful preparation. Do not ask me to wing it.

Hiking: This trip, I hiked up a snow covered trail and over streams by traversing rocks and wet logs until I came to a back-country high mountain lake. Years ago, I was non-athletic and needed to be guided through walking along a slanted trail and downhill. This weekend’s hike was not without consternation, but I dealt with it with the confidence I have developed. My feet slipped over the snow. I jolted and caught my balance and repeatedly felt I might fall. I anticipated getting hurt. As I stepped on a log to cross a stream, it moved and I did slip down into the water. My shoes and socks were now soaked for the rest of the hike. I acquired a large bruise on my inner calf. These risky situations would have paralyzed me in the past.

I still don’t like those thoughts and fears. I wished I had brought my sturdy hiking boots rather than running shoes and I am considering purchasing a walking stick for hiking situations. (I had been told it was a groomed, moderate path. I didn’t think of snow.) Rather than catastrophizing, now I tell myself such things as “So what if my feet are wet. I am wearing my wicking socks. I shouldn’t get a blister and they will dry quickly.” I also had confidence in my conditioning. I am a runner. I earned the right to proclaim that about myself. “I am a runner!” Years ago, with trepidation, I took up fitness walking. Now, I am on ten years of running. I have overcome plantar fasciitis, bunions, and am managing asthma. On this hike, my muscles and lungs were strong and I knew I had endurance. I noticed my own preference: I will stick with running for regular exercise. I prefer solid more predictable paths. (I relish forming my own opinions on what is best for me.)

Camp Cooking: This trip, I tried Dutch-Oven cooking for the first time. Chocolate cake was my debut! My brother-in-law who has known me since I was a pre-teen exclaimed, “I can’t believe you went out and bought a Dutch-Oven! I can’t believe you are even trying this!” There you have it. Being willing to try something new, to take a risk, to go out of my way to pursue something out of my regular experience is far from how I used to be. I prepared the charcoal briquettes which used to be the man’s job. I forgot the cooking oil. I decided I could substitute melted butter. It wasn’t finished cooking at the time the recipe had indicated. I had to make decisions about additional cooking time and on-or-off the coals. “Maybe the oil cooks hotter than butter and that changed the cooking time,” I wondered. My camp-mates were impressed with the resulting Chocolate Delight Cake. In my own mind I downplayed it as I tend to do, “What is the big deal?” I realize the big deal is they know how far I have come!