Blinded by My Own Mind Games

As a therapist working in a hospital psychiatric setting, there are certain tricks I frequently see employed by people to protect themselves from the pain of facing problems. If a problem situation is too intense or overwhelming, especially in the beginning, it is adaptive for the mind to employ these protections. Over time, the person addresses different aspects a little at a time in a manageable manner. However, people can protect themselves so well that they never acknowledge a problem exists. In order to be in control of one’s life choices and personal actions, one must recognize problems, tolerate emotional distress, and take conscious action. The following eight defenses are common. If a person works to reduce reliance on these defenses and instead faces facts, then progress can be made in solving or eliminating the source of stress or emotional pain. The person takes back the right to make conscious personal choices about their own life direction.

Denial

The person does not believe there is a problem. There is a complete lack of awareness. Common statements include: “I don’t know what you are talking about,” “That didn’t happen!” “I don’t get angry” “I didn’t say that.”

Minimization

The person admits to something but assesses it to be within the normal range or of no consequence. Common statements: “It’s no big deal,” “I don’t know what they are getting so upset about,” “It’s not a problem for me,” “I drink sometimes like anyone else,” “Everybody gets angry, sometimes I get a little annoyed.”

Avoidance, Dodging, Shifting

The person brings up a completely different issue or brings attention to something else of no connection to the topic. Sometimes it elicits concern from others which takes away from the problem to be discussed. Examples: “My tooth has been hurting; I need to make a dental appointment.” “Oh, look, I have a stain on my shirt (or it is unraveling, etc.)” “What is for dinner? I am starving!”

Intellectualization

The person over-analyzes and uses logical justification to explain away the problem. The person remains so logical and analytical that they do not experience the emotions associated with a problem. It is the experience of emotion that could spur the person to action. Instead, the person remains mired in over-thinking and contemplating. “I wonder why I do that. It could be because I haven’t slept well, or I have a lot of work on my mind. But it makes sense; anyone under the same circumstance would do the same.” Or the person does a lot of describing or telling the events of a situation but cannot talk about their emotional responses.

Blaming or Projection

When someone is trying to talk to the person about a problem, the person responds with angry blaming and accusations about the other’s actions. Common statements: “You don’t listen to me,” “You don’t care about me, this is about you getting what you want,” “You always point out what’s wrong with me” “You care about so-and-so more than me.” These accusations put the other on defensive which leads to them trying to explain themselves and to reassure the individual. This takes away from discussing the problem that originally needed to be discussed. With projection, the person accuses others of the very characteristics or issues that are within them which they deny.

Victim Stance

When people try to confront a person about a problem, the person reacts as if those doing the confronting are being mean or cruel. The problem cannot be discussed because the person reacts with such hurt. The person might label themselves in a negative manner or generalize that life is not fair to them. They have bad luck and they do not make the connection between negative outcomes and their own choices and behaviors. The person might assert that they are incapable or ineffective. This elicits sympathy from others and attempts to talk the person out of their negative assessments.

Anger or Displacement

A person uses anger to keep others away, to make it too uncomfortable to bring up any issues. In displacement, a person takes out their anger on a safe object rather than directing it at the true cause of their anger. For example, a teen boy is failing in school and is on probation and he frequently argues with his mother who continues to love him. Or there is the stereotype: man has bad day at work, comes home and yells at child, then child kicks the dog.

Passive Aggression

The person does not confront a problem directly. They might be agreeable but not follow through. Examples: Instead of talking directly to someone to resolve a conflict, the person gossips and complains to others about the other person. Or the person agrees to do some task which is asked of them, but they forget to do it.

What can you do? Allow yourself to become open to other’s observations. Don’t reject others’ complaints about you or their presentation of a problem. Tell yourself and them that you will consider what they are saying. Then do it. Stop thinking about what is wrong with the other person and take a look at your own actions and reactions. We all play some part in every situation. What is the part you are playing? What positive outcome would you like to see happen? Consider what choices and actions you have control over and what changes you could make to positively affect the situation. Also, take a good look at how things really are. Allow yourself to feel your own feelings of fear, anger, hurt, disappointment. But don’t get stuck in them. Use them to determine that something isn’t right and you don’t want it to continue. Use your feelings to propel you into taking action to resolve, remedy, or alter negative circumstances. Practice constructive problem solving and assertive communication. Identify some change you can make or some action you can take or even a change in your thinking. Take some control back and quit just tolerating the status quo. I hope you have positive results!