Me with the cast of Capone's Dinner and Show in Orlando, FL
Relationship triangles are the template for romantic dramas,
especially those of daytime TV. Multiple hidden relationships involving
betrayal and revenge fuel the interest of the audience. Mark finds that his
current girlfriend is pregnant and she dreams of love and marriage with him. He
is ambivalent, and in fact, has just returned from visiting his previous wife
in an attempt to reconcile. She has rebuffed him. In the meantime, his very first
wife is just out of prison and is maneuvering to attack him legally for custody
of their young daughter. He has done all he can to keep her far away and out of
his daughter’s life. The little girl’s loyalties shift depending on who is
talking to her, and for some reason, she is angry with her father. The man’s
current girlfriend tries to make alliances with both of the ex-wives,
supposedly to best help him care for the daughter, but these alliances could
easily turn against him if he were to decide he doesn’t want to be with her
after all. Each person involved is bound to get hurt. We know something
terrible is looming, and we watch expectantly. This is entertaining when it is
on TV. It is destructive in real life.
In real life, it is best to stay out of relationship
triangles. It is healthiest for individuals to have direct relationships
without interference from a third actor.
It is possible for a person to have a good relationship with
one individual even though that same person had a terrible relationship with
another. If a positive relationship can exist, it should be given the
opportunity. This is most obvious when it involves parents with children. While
a parent may mess up their adult relationship with the other parent, that same person
can develop a good relationship with their child. And the child deserves the
right to experience a positive relationship with each parent, if possible. (If
abuse is a factor, appropriate precautions need to be in place to protect
children.)
This point became clear to me one day when I was attending a
workshop. A man in his 60s told the group that he had always considered his
father to be a good, wonderful man. When his father passed away, this man was
talking about his dad’s attributes when other family members began to disagree
with him. Evidently, all of the other members of the man’s family considered
the father to be mean, spiteful, argumentative, and other hurtful
characteristics that the man in our group had not experienced his father to be.
He was shocked and surprised, but he was also grateful that he had been able to
have a good relationship with his father. The other family members had not
interfered with his developing this relationship.
In a relationship triangle, aspects of one relationship pair
influence the interactions of each person in another relationship. This could
be in the form of power alliances or in the form of misdirected emotion. For
example, if one’s relationship with another is shaky, in other words, it might
not hold up under stress, the partners in that relationship might find a common
enemy in another person. This helps to bond them together while setting the
other as an outcast and focus of their joint attacks. In another example, it
may be that one person carries anger at a significant individual, but cannot
express that anger directly for fear of losing that important person. The anger
gets expressed elsewhere, directed at a person who doesn’t necessarily deserve
that anger, or that intensity of anger. An example is when one cannot directly
address anger or frustration with a manager and comes home to be grouchy and
irritable with family members.
The approach to take with relationship triangles is to try
to stay out of them. Do not draw others into your issues and stay out of others’
issues. Each individual needs to manage their own situations directly.
Develop assertive communication skills which give you the
ability to be direct in your interactions.
If you are angry with someone, go to them directly to try to
solve it.
If you are having a strong emotion or significant event,
tell others so that they know what the real issue is and it does not get
expressed indirectly.
Do not draw someone else in to be your ally against the
person with whom you are having issue.
Do not keep secrets. The act of holding a secret creates an
alliance between the secret keepers. This creates a closer bond between them
and a lesser bond between each and the one left out of the secret.
Discuss problems and issues without blaming.
Trust that individuals have the ability to handle their own
situations and that it is healthy for them to develop this ability for
themselves.
Also, trust that others have the strength to handle the truth
and that they would prefer to be in an honest relationship with you.
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