How People Struggling with Emotional Dysregulation Can Regain Control

This article is about overwhelming emotion or, more professionally called, emotional dysregulation. A lot of people have overwhelming emotion. It takes over, they feel like they can't stop it, and it terrorizes them. It makes life very difficult. People describe it as: I'm losing it. I'm freaking out. I'm having one of my episodes. I'm having a panic attack. I can't stop crying. I can't breathe. It may be described as: I have no motivation. I'm overwhelmed. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep. I can't get out of bed. I haven't showered for a few days. There are many more; you can probably think of some for yourself. 

Emotional dysregulation is emotion, which is experienced as more intense, more frequent, and it lasts longer than average emotions. It really stands out as something significant, maybe even extreme.

The scary thing is that it can come on without warning or apparent reason. This is because our brains build associations which happens on an unconscious level. Something like a scent or a sound or a particular gesture or an environment that is similar to something that has happened before during a moment in time where the person was really, really upset or had a strong emotional reaction becomes associated. And then in the future, when these similar experiences come along, it brings on that same intense emotion and the person has no idea why it's happening. 

One of the frightening things about it is it just comes on and the person feels out of control because they don't know when it's going to happen next. The person feels very much not in control. Many people describe it as being ruled by their own emotions. 

Types: There are several kinds of categories or diagnoses that various types of emotional dysregulation can fall within. Many people are familiar with major depression, anxiety, which can include panic attacks, rages of anger, PTSD, which stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. It results from an extremely frightening situation that made the person feel like their life was at risk. In any case, it leaves them with a combination of symptoms which include strong emotions that come on and they don't know what they're reacting to. 

Identify: Okay. What do you do with this? Looking for, recognizing, and identifying triggers that bring on the emotion is a place to start. Triggers are those subtle things that bring on the emotion unexpectedly. The key to working on it is to keep track of what was happening right before the strong emotion started. That starts to give you a clue to what the trigger might be. 

Learn skills to cope: Now, what do you do with this? It does not mean that you avoid the trigger. And it certainly doesn't mean that other people have to be careful not to trigger you. They might not even know what your trigger is. What needs to happen is to identify the trigger, develop very good skills at coping, both with the mental and emotional response, as well as the physical response to the trigger. This involves gaining skills and practicing them until it is second nature.

You want to get really, really good at it. And it's those things that are going to help you feel more in control and like the emotion doesn't rule you. It takes time. It takes practice. There can be a lot of different triggers, so it can be frustrating, and it can feel like it's impossible. But it really is not impossible. It just takes a lot of practice and awareness. If the triggers remain, many areas of life can be affected. Obviously, relationships with family and friends can be chaotic. It can be difficult. They don't know what is going on with you. You might look crazy to them. You certainly might look out of control. And they don't know what to do about it, especially if you don't know what to do about it.

Of course, strong emotional reactions can affect performance at work or at school. At the very least, it can be distracting. It can keep you from getting work done. It can cause you to miss work. It can cause you to have to run off somewhere and hide while you have the emotional reaction and you wait for it to subside. Socially, it might be difficult to make plans especially to go out in public and around people because you don't know when an emotional episode might come on. That could be embarrassing as well as frightening. Now, internally, this can affect a person's self-esteem and their confidence levels.

It also adds to stress and can affect a person's physical health. It can affect sleep. It can affect the heart, heart rate, blood pressure, immunity. People become more susceptible to colds and become fatigued. 

Ways to manage:

So again, what do you do about it? There are skills and knowledge that can put a person in better control of emotions. These include skills for managing the physical and emotional response and being able to calm oneself. There is a form of meditation in which you stay in the here and the now, instead of everything coming in upon you. 

There's a great deal of thinking that contributes to strong emotions. Many people suffer from extreme worry about what might happen in the future and this contributes to anxiety. A lot of people suffer from unhappy memories of the past, maybe regrets, maybe guilt. Bad memories come into the present and create strong emotions that really don't fit the current moment. Learning how to take a look at your own thinking and alter it so that it doesn't bring on the strong emotion is definitely within a person's control. 

How do you learn about these things? Well, you can Google it. You can find books and other reading material that explains it to you and gives you techniques that you can learn and practice. A lot of people find it very helpful to go to counseling where not only do you learn skills, but you also talk to someone and process the emotions. When you can understand the emotions, they have less control over you. For some people, it can be helpful to take a prescribed medication especially for anxiety or for major depression. Sometimes that is needed while the person goes to counseling so that they can have the energy and the mental space to actually the work that needs to be done.

Another option is my signature program, the Get on Top of Your Emotions System. People can work through the 12-week course, learn all the skills that are needed, interact with and have support from me as well as others going through the program. Having a roadmap that covers all of the components along with support and accountability in an online format can be the key to success in gaining confidence in managing emotion.

I would encourage you to not feel like you're stuck and nothing can be done. It doesn't have to be that way. There are options and choices for managing dysregulated emotion.

If you would like more information about my services, see my website here.

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© 2022 Lucretia Donahue-Reed M.S. 

 

 

Don't Wait Until You Feel Like It

“I don’t feel like doing that right now.” Not feeling like it could mean physically or emotionally. Physically, we could feel tired or sluggish. A poor night of sleep could leave us struggling to stay awake. We could have aches and pains. Maybe a headache or eye strain interferes. Emotionally, we could be stressed from the day. We could be sad or down. We could feel irritated. Maybe we feel “blah.” But not feeling like it could be a mental trick which is a component of procrastination. We imagine something to be harder than it is or expect it to take longer than it does. Our negative expectations lead us to not feel like doing it. Waiting until you “feel like it” can work against your progress toward goals or freeing up time for pleasure and it can leave you with that nagging feeling hanging over you.

It takes too long.

There are times when resting or taking a break is the right thing to do. But we can thoughtlessly get in the habit of delaying things by expecting to feel like doing something. This is a problem when it keeps you from reaching your goals or doing activities you like doing. I once had an art professor tell our class that art is not all about feeling pleasure and creativity. Completing a piece of art involves focus and persistence over time. Those are not common qualities people think of when they think of the “artsy” type of person. Hobbies can be easily neglected. It can help to schedule hobby time. Feeling like doing an activity can be related to your belief that you will have the quality time to spend on it.

I have had many a home decorating idea or a vacation idea go unfulfilled for years because I didn’t prioritize the planning of it. Without planning and taking action on the tasks to make the vision come to be, it remains just a daydream. But planning action steps doesn’t seem fun. Those wonderful ideas are projects that need to be planned and implemented just like ‘project management’ in business.

Doing it could lead to feeling better.

In the area of exercise, there are a number of sayings that reflect the idea that you could feel more like doing something if you just get started. “Just put on your shoes.” “Just get out the door.” “Just go to the end of the driveway.” I have altered these to fit my circumstances. “I will put on my shoes and walk to the mailbox.” “I will go to the gym and just do 10 minutes.” Usually, once I have done either of those, I find I feel better and want to continue the activity. I want to continue on to walk around the nearby park. I want to do another 5 minutes and then another 5 minutes on the elliptical.

I have found this concept works in other areas. For example, I often have headaches. Much of the time, if I have a headache at work but get involved in something that distracts me, such as running a group, my headache subsides. I could be feeling grumpy but a co-worker says something funny and lifts my mood. I could dread a busy day, but the busy-ness turns out to bring up my energy, though I don’t like to admit it!

This morning, I made my coffee and paid bills. I had procrastinated this chore, but completing it pleases me and I feel more organized.

So, when you don’t feel like doing something but you know it would be a good thing to do, just put on your shoes and get started. You will feel better.

Don’t leave it to chance. Plan activity for levels of energy.

Most people have a pattern of energy levels over the course of a day. You can match the activity you do to the type of energy available. For example, I find I am more mentally creative in the morning so that is when I will write posts and make graphics. As I wind down from that hour or two of creativity and I lose my mental edge, it is time to go for a walk or spend time at the gym. Sometimes, early in the morning while others are asleep is when I like to sweep the kitchen or fold some laundry. I find I enjoy my individual counseling sessions with my adult clients in the early evening. After 8:00 pm, though, I am on the couch and that is the time to respond to a few people on social media.

My energy levels are affected by the surrounding circumstances. For example, the time of year and the amount of daylight available is an influence as I seem to get tired earlier when it gets dark earlier. The number of people around me makes a difference. I am most creative when I am alone. And, of course, we have schedules imposed on us through work or having to accommodate others’ schedules.

Pay attention to your natural levels of energy especially on your days off from work or other imposed schedules. When you feel good, you likely will do things you enjoy. You can plan to do chores when you know your brain is less alert. You can make effective and productive use of your time and energy with a little awareness and planning.

So, don’t expect to wait until you feel like doing an activity. Plan the action steps, get started, and schedule tasks according to energy levels. Enjoy!

Your Diet and Your Mood: Vitamin D and Omega-3s

Diet is important to health and, of course, to mood management. Making wise changes to your diet is something you can easily implement. Following is a collection of some of the more verified nutrition elements which are related to improvements in mood.

Low vitamin D levels are associated with greater risk for depression. Though vitamin D is not a stand-alone treatment for depression, it is good to make sure you are getting enough. The main source is from exposure to sunlight, but this has its own risks. Taking a supplement of 1,000 -2,000 IUs is an option.

Vitamin D and Depression article

Our brain and nervous system need fats. Nerves are sheathed in nodules of fat and nerve signals move quickly by jumping along the fatty covering. A particular kind of fats found in fish, Omega-3s, have been found to ward off depression and even improve it. You can get Omega-3s by eating fish several times per week. Or you can take a supplement which contains the EPA and DHA variants. Supplements come as fish oil but also can be krill oil. (This might make a difference in taste.)

Harvard Article on Omega-3 and Depression

It is always better if you can get your nutrients from the foods you eat. Anti-oxidants are in fruits, Omega-3s are in fish, protein is in meat and nuts and beans, healthy carbohydrates are in whole grains.

WebMD Diet and Depression article

You may have heard that chocolate helps mood. So if you are a chocolate fan, this is good news! Dark chocolate is better than milk chocolate for this purpose. And limit it to only 1 oz. per day.

Chocolate and Mood

These are some of the main diet approaches to mood management which are encouraged by the medical field. There are many healthy options including drinking enough water. Be sure to research anything that interests you. And with supplements, keep in mind that there isn't oversight by the FDA, so what you are getting in the caplet isn't verified.

Three Ways to Improve Falling and Staying Asleep

Sleep is one of the most important components of being healthy. It is during sleep that we rest and rejuvenate. During sleep, our mind sorts and categorizes the day’s experiences and solidifies memories. Our muscles and tissues heal. Lack of sleep has been shown to contribute to hallucinations and mood disturbance. So poor sleep can mess up your mood, but a mood disorder can mess up your sleep. At least poor sleep accompanies most mood disorders. Getting sleep under control can be a significant aspect of getting mood under control.


Make a habit: Our brains are creatures of habit and association. You want to create habits which indicate to the brain that it is time for sleep. First, have a schedule of going to bed and waking up at the same time every day. This means weekends, too, if you have sleep difficulties. Have a wind-down routine to get ready for bed: change into sleep wear, brush your teeth, read or do something relaxing, do a sleep meditation. Some activities are best done earlier in the day. Exercise helps one to get a better night’s sleep if done earlier in the day, but can make sleeping difficult if done too close to bedtime. Also, use of electronics and viewing screens should be stopped about an hour before bed. They have been found to inhibit the production of melatonin by the brain.


Break an association: When you go to bed, if you find yourself lying there thinking and not able to fall asleep longer than half an hour, get up out of bed. As I said, our brains make associations. If every night you lie in bed thinking, your brain decides the bed is your thinking place! So, get up and move to another part of the room. Go into another room if you can. Do not turn on the TV or get onto your computer! If you are doing those things in the middle of the night, again, your brain thinks that is the time to do those things instead of sleep. Keep lights dim and do something quiet or relaxing even boring until you get drowsy, then go back to bed and try to sleep again.


Fix the environment: The sleep environment is important. The room should be dark and a little cooler than during the day. It should be quiet. If there is someone in your vicinity who snores and you have poor sleep along with a mood disorder, it is a matter of health to get away from the snoring party. Some people like “white noise” or some background noise like a fan. But again, because of association, you could find that you cannot fall asleep without the background noise, and when traveling, have to take your noise source with you. Others might not be able to sleep around you! It is best to not have any electronics emitting light in the room, especially blue light which research has shown disrupts sleep. Get the devices out of the room or cover them or put them away where the light cannot be seen. Also, turn off electronics or put them away somewhere so that you are not receiving texts or alerts during the night.


A lot of people do not like to make the changes needed for better sleep, especially stopping the use of electronics. If you are diagnosed with and seeking treatment for a significant sleep or mood disorder, however, it is important that you do everything you can to help improve your sleep.

A Blank Mind

This is a time with our economy shut down when people are feeling a lot of uncertainty and fear. In thinking about how to cope in this situation, I thought about years ago when I agreed to do a first jump with a parachute out of an airplane. Just the fact that I agreed to that means the average person doesn’t think like me! But if you can, my thought process which allowed me to do the jump could be helpful during times of uncertainty.


I had three days of in-class instruction and then the day came. Before even going up in the plane, my mind basically went blank. I talked with people and did things I needed to do, but I wasn’t thinking much. I remember someone walked by while I ate a sandwich and wondered how I could eat before a first jump. I just wasn’t thinking much, was kind of numb, and so I still had an appetite! Once in the airplane and flying, I waited as a couple of other people went before me. I think it was all so out of my experience that I was in a kind of shock or amazement. I did the jump and that is quite a fun story! 

But coping with uncertainty and fear is what this is about. Over the years, I had a few people show interest in doing a jump if I would go with them. I turned them down. During this time, I worked as a therapist with clients experiencing severe chronic pain. They were not living the life they wanted. In the group of people that I jumped with, someone broke their tailbone, someone broke several bones in his foot, and someone got whiplash. I did, too, and I still have residual issues in my neck. When people wanted me to go again, my thinking had changed. I now knew too much about the sequence of experiences involved in the jump process. I now thought about how my life could be damaged if I had a back injury, for instance. If I went again, I would be more afraid because it was no longer an ‘out-of-this world’ experience. I wouldn’t be in shocked amazement; I would think enough to be scared!

I always remember that now in times of high stress when I don’t know how things will turn out. I try not to think about it! 

I still do things to stay on track and set myself up well, but I also do a lot of distraction to get through. I stay busy, but I also go into that blank-mind mode if I can. Thinking about how badly it could go wrong is not helpful. There are times when a person just needs to keep moving forward. So as Scarlet O’Hara said in Gone with the Wind, “I can’t think about that today. I’ll just go crazy if I do! I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

Thinking Matters

Did you know that your thoughts lead to your emotional reaction which then leads to how you act?


Here is an example that I like to give:


If we were sitting in a group of people, and a rabbit was released into the middle of the group:


One person might think, “Oh, what a cute little bunny! Rabbits are so soft and sweet. I love rabbits! I want to pick it up!” As a result, that person could feel happy, warm, loving and might move to go pet the rabbit or to pick it up.


Another person might think, “I hate rabbits! They scratch and bite. Rabbits are just awful rodents. Get it away from me! Get it out of here!” As a result, this person could feel fear, anxiety, anger, disgust and might move to chase the rabbit out of the room or the person might leave the room.


These different reactions come from the way the person thinks (and past experience which shapes thinking.)

This is why, if you struggle with emotions which overwhelm you or moods which hinder you, it helps to look at your thinking. Changing your thinking can help you manage your emotional reactions.


About now in my explanation is when people jump to the injunction to “think positive!”

Now, thinking positively does have its usefulness, but it has been used so often and it just doesn’t always fit some situations. Many people feel annoyed when they hear “Think positive!” posed as a solution.


The reality is that much of our thinking which leads to unpleasant emotions is extreme. It jumps to the worst outcome. It eliminates a variety of possibilities.


Managing your emotions can be helped by changing your thinking to be more moderate and reasonable. Instead of jumping to the worst conclusion, look at the situation as it is and think of how to handle it at that time.


The next time you are in the middle of a strong emotion or are distressed in some way, slow down and ask yourself, “Am I making this worse by how I am thinking? How can I handle what is happening right now?” 

Then you can choose an action to take such as doing something distracting or getting some exercise. You can look at what is in your control and make decisions about that. 


Change your thinking to manage your emotions.

Five Steps to Find Your Motivation

I frequently hear from my clients that they are not motivated. They don’t feel like doing anything. Yet many do not like any amount of downtime. I think in some way they are not in touch with themselves or they do not like their own company. (Some have trauma and are avoiding painful, intrusive thoughts. That is another more complicated issue.) Some people stay busy with activities, often driven by shoulds and have-tos, trying to please others. Some people want to have another person interacting with them. Some people need a constant distraction such as TV, You Tube, games or social media. Society also imposes expectations that, over time, can put a person on auto-pilot meeting responsibilities, but not engaging in fulfilling activities. It is this sense of fulfillment, inherent interest or curiosity, or simply enjoying the experience that would naturally lead to a feeling of motivation.


During this time when the whole country is being encouraged to stay home, this could bring uncomfortable feelings to the forefront for many. Staying home could be a miserable experience. I think this would be a good time for people to get more in touch with themselves and more comfortable with their own company. In order to feel motivated, a person needs to look forward to something. (People can also be motivated by fear or by a threat, but this is not the kind of motivation people are seeking.) In order to look forward to something, it helps to know what you like, what you enjoy. Some people have become so out of touch that they don’t know what they like. They don’t have an opinion anymore. They don’t care. 


In order to feel more, to have a care, to want to do something, a person needs to get in touch with his/her own experience of likes and dislikes. The person needs to know his/her own opinion.


I recommend five steps to reconnect and find motivation. 

First, believe that you have the right to have an opinion. It is not selfish or bad. 

Next, stop to notice your own reactions. Start with small things such as what color do you prefer; do you actually like the food you are eating; do you feel physically comfortable; what temperature do you like the room to be? Instead of thoughtlessly going along with what others want, ask yourself if it is what you want. 

Third, voice your opinion. You don’t have to do this in a demanding or rude manner. You do not have to press for others to change in any way. Just speak up for yourself. Much of the time, one’s preferences do not even affect others. 

Fourth, take action. Purposely with intention, do things you like. Set aside time for enjoyment. 

Finally, learn to advocate for yourself in an assertive manner. Make a conscious decision about either going along with others’ desires or advocating for what you want. Assess the pros and cons.


Identify your authentic likes and dislikes and you might find your motivation.