The Inevitable Fire

                                            (Photo from Bayview Idaho Historical Society www.bayviewhs.com)

The lands have been hot and dry. The weekend before the Fourth of July, our area had temperatures of 105 degrees which broke the record high from when temperatures first began being recorded. The week continued in the upper 90’s. Along came the holiday of fireworks and camping. I chose to not buy any fireworks for personal entertainment. I just didn’t think it would be wise or responsible to participate in lighting things on fire during this terribly dry time. I watched the news but local government did not declare fireworks off limits. Firework stands were forward and center with numerous customers. I did think, “People won’t restrain themselves.” However, the night of the Fourth, I did enjoy the several shows of clearly illegal shoot-up-into-the-sky explosions coming from a few locations around my home. It truly was a thrill to see and made me grin with joy and say, “Ooh!” and “Wow!” It was a satisfying Fourth of July experience. As I returned inside, I hoped a fire had not been sparked in any fields or on the roofs of any homes.

In the morning, I noticed a strong wind blowing and thought, “That could flame a fire if there were one.” It took me awhile to realize the sky was muted and dusty. I dismissed it as early morning. It impressed upon me only after it didn’t clear by later in the morning. Then came a post on Facebook from someone I knew who mentioned ‘evacuating’. Next, came a post from the local news saying they were headed out to see what was happening. Then came the posted photo of a small town facing a huge dark smoke cloud seeming to come forward onto a neighborhood street.

                                                  (Photo from KXLY4, published July 6, 2015, www.kxly.com)

A fire did start and those continuing winds were fanning it. I felt sorry for the firefighters and for the people having their homes and town threatened. Then I had my cynical assessment of human nature, “Of course we can’t delay personal gratification during a clearly high risk time. We want our fun and our traditions.”

The fire burned on through the night spreading up over the hill and down the other side. Before I went to bed, it was said to be over 600 acres burning. It was 2000 acres in the morning. One news report suggested the fire had started from a waterside campfire getting loose and quickly spreading up the hill. Another report said the fire had two separate starting points. Several homes already were lost. Vivid photos from the night showed the huge glowing fire with the photographer describing the difficulty of capturing the photos in the wind gusts which pushed him and his tripod. The sky outside my window is still filled with a tan blanket of smoke-clouds. I had envisioned a morning at the lake on my paddleboard with beautiful scenery and clear blue sky. I took some days off of work this week specifically for that on-the-lake experience of beauty. Not so pretty now on my precious days off.

                                      (Photo by Ted Curphey, July 5, 2015, published by KHQ6. www.khq.com)

I wondered why the local governments hadn’t officially banned campfires and fireworks. Certainly, people would have been outraged and some would have gone ahead with their fiery traditions. But maybe it would have lessened the risk. Did the officials not want to have to manage the peoples’ outrage? Or in America, is it too much of an overreach to tell people to not do something for general protection during a high risk time? Maybe it is a sign of our trends of permissiveness and reluctance to disappoint. In any case, nature set up the perfect scene of hot, dry lands and forceful, persistent winds for us to demonstrate human nature in a dramatic show. As a result, people, land, sky, anything living within this broad area, all must suffer while firefighters work to bring down the show. 

Police: Purpose and Perception

On Tuesday, May 5, 2015, at 1:30am, a low-life, scum, felon was roaming through my neighborhood with a gun. I was peacefully sleeping. Officer Sgt. Greg Moore came cruising through and saw a “suspicious individual.” He stopped the man and asked for his identification which he submitted for a background check. The felon then shot the officer, stole his gun while he lay on the ground, and drove off in the police car. I guess Mr. Felon thought it would be better to shoot and kill an officer rather than be apprehended as a felon with a gun in his possession. Officer Moore passed away later that day. The shooting took place just a block over from my home.

I own a gun. It is always locked away in a safe. This incident makes it clear that there truly are bad guys just outside my house in the middle of the night. One could easily kick in the front door or break in through a window. There I would be with my gun in my safe. More and more, I feel the need to have this weapon out and available. I am very grateful for police who choose to keep patrol and put themselves between citizens and criminals. They lessen the likelihood that I would need to hold a weapon and defend myself. I believe they would be more proficient at it than I.

In the past year, there have been several cases in the national news of people being killed by police while they attempt to apprehend those people. The cries of race and police use of excessive force are at a fever pitch. Though this needs to be assessed and police actions always need to be monitored because of the position of power they hold and the very fact that they carry lethal weapons, there is great danger in generalizing from the incidents in the news to the belief that all police are bad and deserve to be hated.

The review of Sgt. Moore’s life and service to community are a reminder of the good that police serve. 

http://www.cdapress.com/news/local_news/article_a40c90c2-517d-506a-9e55-dbb36fee4811.html

It has been proven over and over in studies that humans’ perceptions are easily skewed. The human mind focuses on significant, unusual events which stand out and then the mind generalizes, usually mistakenly, without taking in all of the data. People in various American cities are rioting based on emotion and perception. Over this week, my entire community has come out in support of the police. My neighborhood gathered in the park to raise donations and to sign a petition to rename our park after Sgt. Moore in his honor. Many of us appreciate those who choose to serve as police and daily put themselves in harm’s way to protect the rest of us. I would prefer to not have to use my gun. Last Tuesday, Sgt. Moore stepped in front of any one of us in my neighborhood who may have encountered the felon carrying a gun. 

Navigating Survivor Guilt Following Suicide or Other Death Circumstances

Yesterday, I ran a process therapy group with adolescents in a hospital setting. Another therapist had run the group with them the day before. One girl apologized and told me that they had spent the whole session the day before talking about her issue that she felt guilty for not having done something to prevent her friend from committing suicide. Despite their discussion, the girl said she still felt guilty. I did a quick survey of the 12 individuals in the group. All but two had experienced the death of someone they knew within the past year. Half of those deaths were the result of suicide. A third of the deaths had happened just in the previous month.

The girl explained that her friend had made a joking comment that he would commit suicide. She didn’t recognize that he meant it. I validated her belief that if she had recognized his reality, she might have been able to do something to influence him and prevent the suicide. Someone in the group confronted me, “Why are you doing that; you are making her feel worse?!” So as to let them know I was not just cruel, I gave them some of my background. I have been a therapist for over 20 years. I had a close family member commit suicide. I spent time with that person a few weeks before they did the suicide. I was a therapist at the time. I did not recognize that they were suicidal and so did nothing to intervene. I let the group know that, looking back after-the-fact, there were several signs in the person’s behaviors that could have alerted me to their suicidality. I emphasized to the group that as a therapist, I was supposed to recognize the signs and I was supposed to do something to help. But even with my training, I did not see it in my family member. A new girl in the group who was sitting in the back spoke up, “You don’t want to see it in your own family.” I agreed and stated, “It did not register in my mind.” Now the group understood that I certainly had reason to feel guilty and here I was talking to them about death, suicide and guilt.

We then talked about what could be done if the person’s suicidality was recognized. I emphasized getting the person to a professional such as a doctor or therapist. I also pointed out that there are multiple people who likely could have had a part in identifying the suicidal person’s need. It was not solely the responsibility of the one who felt guilty. I also noted that it is unknown if the suicidal person would have gone along with the treatment that would likely be recommended: medication and therapy. Many of the adolescents in the group had their own reservations about taking medication and/or going to therapy. I observed that they could look back and there would be many ‘ifs’ that if someone had said or done something, the situation could have turned out differently. Another girl in the group said, “You can’t go back and change the past.”

I then moved the group into reviewing the stages of grief. When we talked about denial, we discussed shock and trauma and the adaptive process the brain engages in to protect one from experiencing too much pain too fast. I pointed out that denial can occur before the death takes place. That it contributes to our not recognizing the serious suicidal intent in another. Several people in the group reacted as this helped them to understand. We reviewed bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Their thoughts, emotions, reactions were seen to be normal. Finally, the girl who had initiated the discussion stated, “Well, in some ways I feel worse but I also feel better. I would rather be honest and deal with reality. I think I am moving toward acceptance.” The entire group had worked through the concept that one can experience something very painful and can come to accept it and cope with the reality.

Twelve Key Points on Acceptance and Mindfulness

Just because you think it doesn’t make it true. For example, “I think I am going to fail.” It doesn’t have to be true, but thinking in this way can create your own self-fulfilling prophesy.

Feeling it doesn’t make it fact. “I have a bad feeling about tomorrow’s interview” It isn’t fated to go badly, but a person’s poor choices based on their feeling could lead to problems.

Thoughts, feelings, concepts are creations of your mind. As such, you can step back from them and observe them. Getting some distance gives them less power and you more control.

We cloud our current experience by thoughts of past events and worries about future outcomes.

Mindfulness is being present in the moment, experiencing without judgment.

When we try to avoid something or try to get rid of it, we give it more power over us.

When we experience something as it is, we don’t experience it as worse than it is.

The goal is not to get rid of discomfort; rather it is to simply be able to be with the discomfort.

Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Be mindful of your thinking so that you can alter it if it is extreme or limiting.

Be mindful during moments that you want to experience fully, without distraction.

Practice moments of mindfulness as a form of meditation and relaxation.

Quality Relationships: Three Harmful Traits

It is time to evaluate the quality of your relationships and the effect they have on you. We know that we should get out of abusive relationships and much has been written about what an abusive relationship is and red flags to watch for to avoid getting into an abusive relationship. But there are people who are not malicious, who mean us no harm, and still we should question if it is good for ourselves to be in relationships with them. At the turn of a new year, many of us reassess our goals and our habits in the effort to make a long, fulfilling, quality life. One aspect to look at is relationships which may be doing us harm. There are three qualities in others which may be harmful to us:

People who do not have healthy habits: A person who eats too much, or drinks too much, or has other unhealthy habits can negatively influence you. When the person you live with spends a large amount of time on the couch watching TV and movies, or playing video games, you are likely to get sucked in to doing that with them. It is much harder to get yourself out the door to exercise when your partner encourages couch sitting. Or someone you live with prefers unhealthy food and brings it home. Some people actively sabotage ones efforts to be healthy, by encouraging you to drink when you are trying to abstain, for example, or to eat another serving when you are trying to be moderate. Also, if the people you are spending time with are unhealthy, they will limit the activities you engage in as you defer to their limitations. Some health issues are inevitable, but a person can choose to value healthy living. It is an indicator of the quality of life they want.

People who are chronically depressed: Now, we all want to help our friends and loved ones when they are down and we should. We should be patient, understanding, and empathetic. But there are some people who are depressed as an approach to life. They are depressed more than not over a span of years. It is their default. If a depressed person does not seek to change their perspective on life, to change their negative thinking, to take action to counter their depression, you certainly are not going to bring them out of their depression. And their depression will bring you down. You have the right to surround yourself with people who enhance your life.

People who have no interests or initiative: Some people are good people, but they have no interests that they invest in. They do not have a desire to develop and contribute their talents to society. For example, a person who is thrilled that they can get away with taking an hour long nap most days at work. These are people who don’t care about much and don’t have much to talk about. One way that we make a fulfilling life for ourselves is by contributing something of value, spending our time doing something that we consider important. A person who doesn’t care about much will not further your efforts in making a fulfilling life.

JoLynn Braley, a blogger about healthy lifestyles, says this:

“I don’t think that a negative, unhealthy, toxic relationship is worth hanging on to for either party. At the same time though, I cannot say that it’s always an easy thing to choose your own health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) above a relationship and it does take a strong person to do so, but it can certainly be done.

It is also very possible to leave the toxic relationship with love and while your partner may not be happy with this, above all you must love and respect yourself. If staying in the relationship takes you out of integrity with yourself you are not treating yourself with respect, which will create and attract more negativity in your life.”

You can see her entire article at the following link:

http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/08/13/personal-growth-uncover-toxic-relationship/

What to do:

Work on your own outlook and approach to life. If you are negative or pessimistic, try to put things into better perspective and not lean so heavily toward the negative. Work on being grateful for the good things in your life. This may help to attract more positive people to you.

Spend your time in activities with others who share your interests and who also value being healthy in mind and body. Don’t give up on your own health because some around you don’t share the same goals.

Communicate your concerns with the harmful people in your life. Give them a chance to work on themselves. If they don’t actively try to improve, limit your time with them. It might be time to consider ending your relationship with them. Relationships are better when you share the same values.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2149587_surround-yourself-positive-people.html

You have one life. Make the best of it.

Auto Accident Brings Stress Management to Forefront

Just two weeks ago, I received a phone call at night from my son, away at college, who had just been in an auto accident. That experience brings the subject of stress management straight to the forefront. Here was a real threat. He could have been permanently injured or killed by this accident. It was sudden and completely out of one’s control. It compounded upon previous stressors we had already been managing. I needed to rally and to cope.

In the face of a sudden, serious threat, the body’s fight-or-flight response initiates. The activating hormone, adrenaline, and the stress hormone, cortisol, are released into the physical system. During an imminent threat, this is the exact and appropriate change needed. A person becomes more alert and energized, the heart beats faster, respirations increase, muscles tighten, and all of the body’s resources are mobilized. Bodily functions which are not essential to the moment are dampened, such as digestion, rest, and repair.

For my son, the fight-or-flight response was quite helpful. He was able to pull himself out of the car through a broken window, climb a steep embankment, travel by foot seeking help, cope with being wet and freezing cold, keep his wits together to obtain items he needed such as a room key and access to a phone as his were lost in the accident, and was able to communicate with police, tow companies, and myself. I was at home experiencing the fight-or-flight response which mainly served to help my alertness and problem solving in communicating with my son. I also mobilized the next day to contact insurance companies and traveled to my son to ensure he got medical attention and practical matters were accomplished.

A few days after this intense moment, my son and I both felt the after effects of the fight-or-flight response. During the emergency, our immune systems were dampened, digestive functions were delayed, rest and recovery functions were set aside. My son came down with a sore throat. I came down with a severe intestinal flu. He reported exhaustion, headache, muscular aches and pains.

Unfortunately, the stress from the accident doesn’t go away quickly, it continues. Now my son was behind in his school work and he had additional new work as well as exams. I had numerous phone calls and tasks related to various insurances, phone service replacement, auto replacement, financial issues and increased requirements for problem solving.

The question arose:

How do we keep going without falling apart?

A recent article in Psychology Today discusses the connections between exposure to stress and lack of supportive environments to the triggering of mental illness in those with predisposing factors. It also notes research connecting cortisol to changes in the neurotransmitter, dopamine. This is one of the neurotransmitters involved in mood disorders such as depression. The presence of cortisol is also related to weight gain. Research continues to support the need to effectively manage stress in order to maintain health.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201301/cortisol-why-the-stress-hormone-is-public-enemy-no-1

There were several stress management techniques which I employed during this time.

Modeling: I thought of my parents who were always there for me. They steadily and persistently managed life stresses. I could feel the presence of their support during this time even though they have both been passed away for several years. They were an example to me and I would do the same for my son. I would persist and manage the situation. My son also demonstrated that he would persist, possibly influenced by my being an example to him.

Cognition: My thought processes were very important during this time. I was very aware of aspects of stress management. I consciously gave myself permission to take the steps needed to manage stress. I also managed my thinking, catching and altering negative and defeating thoughts. I advised my son to not get upset about future worries which had not come to pass.

Time Management Choices: I prioritized tasks. Things like laundry and basic house cleaning were neglected. Medical and financial matters were the main focus. I took a day and traveled to my son to get him medically assessed and to take care of practical matters. I took a two hour lunch one day and spent the time making phone calls and completing paperwork.

Communication: I informed my co-workers who then made accommodations for me and altered their expectations of my work load. The physician who examined my son wrote a letter asking the school and professors to take into account my son’s situation. My son e-mailed his professors and all of them extended the deadlines for assignments.

Limits/Boundaries: I said no to some activities and postponed others. I said no to friends and family for the time being. I also delegated some aspects to my son as was possible.

Exercise: I continued a mild to moderate exercise routine. Though I am a runner, I only felt like walking on the treadmill. That was ok. I still went to the gym, did the treadmill, and lifted some weights. I started doing some Pilates exercises at home. Exercise helps to expel the lingering cortisol, the stress hormone, which remains in the body. It also makes use of any adrenaline which is still being released. The following article discusses cortisol and exercise and nutrition.

http://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/two-easy-changes-that-will-stress-proof-your-brain.html

Rest/Sleep/Relaxation: My needs for sleep increased and I allowed myself the downtime. I slept on the couch during the news. I went to bed early. I kept a schedule and a routine. I like to stretch for relaxation. Some people implement mindfulness or meditation techniques. Some listen to music. The main thing is to allow yourself time to rest. Do something which counteracts the stress response and turns it off.

Two weeks from the accident, my son and I seem to be recovering. Chronic stress takes a toll on people physically, emotionally, and mentally. Be aware of the real need for stress management, make it a priority, and give yourself permission to take care of your own health.

Nine Ways to Stay Out of Destructive Relationship Triangles

                                                   Me with the cast of Capone's Dinner and Show in Orlando, FL

Relationship triangles are the template for romantic dramas, especially those of daytime TV. Multiple hidden relationships involving betrayal and revenge fuel the interest of the audience. Mark finds that his current girlfriend is pregnant and she dreams of love and marriage with him. He is ambivalent, and in fact, has just returned from visiting his previous wife in an attempt to reconcile. She has rebuffed him. In the meantime, his very first wife is just out of prison and is maneuvering to attack him legally for custody of their young daughter. He has done all he can to keep her far away and out of his daughter’s life. The little girl’s loyalties shift depending on who is talking to her, and for some reason, she is angry with her father. The man’s current girlfriend tries to make alliances with both of the ex-wives, supposedly to best help him care for the daughter, but these alliances could easily turn against him if he were to decide he doesn’t want to be with her after all. Each person involved is bound to get hurt. We know something terrible is looming, and we watch expectantly. This is entertaining when it is on TV. It is destructive in real life.

In real life, it is best to stay out of relationship triangles. It is healthiest for individuals to have direct relationships without interference from a third actor.

It is possible for a person to have a good relationship with one individual even though that same person had a terrible relationship with another. If a positive relationship can exist, it should be given the opportunity. This is most obvious when it involves parents with children. While a parent may mess up their adult relationship with the other parent, that same person can develop a good relationship with their child. And the child deserves the right to experience a positive relationship with each parent, if possible. (If abuse is a factor, appropriate precautions need to be in place to protect children.)

This point became clear to me one day when I was attending a workshop. A man in his 60s told the group that he had always considered his father to be a good, wonderful man. When his father passed away, this man was talking about his dad’s attributes when other family members began to disagree with him. Evidently, all of the other members of the man’s family considered the father to be mean, spiteful, argumentative, and other hurtful characteristics that the man in our group had not experienced his father to be. He was shocked and surprised, but he was also grateful that he had been able to have a good relationship with his father. The other family members had not interfered with his developing this relationship.

In a relationship triangle, aspects of one relationship pair influence the interactions of each person in another relationship. This could be in the form of power alliances or in the form of misdirected emotion. For example, if one’s relationship with another is shaky, in other words, it might not hold up under stress, the partners in that relationship might find a common enemy in another person. This helps to bond them together while setting the other as an outcast and focus of their joint attacks. In another example, it may be that one person carries anger at a significant individual, but cannot express that anger directly for fear of losing that important person. The anger gets expressed elsewhere, directed at a person who doesn’t necessarily deserve that anger, or that intensity of anger. An example is when one cannot directly address anger or frustration with a manager and comes home to be grouchy and irritable with family members.

The approach to take with relationship triangles is to try to stay out of them. Do not draw others into your issues and stay out of others’ issues. Each individual needs to manage their own situations directly.

Develop assertive communication skills which give you the ability to be direct in your interactions.

If you are angry with someone, go to them directly to try to solve it.

If you are having a strong emotion or significant event, tell others so that they know what the real issue is and it does not get expressed indirectly.

Do not draw someone else in to be your ally against the person with whom you are having issue.

Do not keep secrets. The act of holding a secret creates an alliance between the secret keepers. This creates a closer bond between them and a lesser bond between each and the one left out of the secret.

Discuss problems and issues without blaming.

Trust that individuals have the ability to handle their own situations and that it is healthy for them to develop this ability for themselves.

Also, trust that others have the strength to handle the truth and that they would prefer to be in an honest relationship with you.