Boundaries Protect: Five Tactics for Setting Boundaries

“I can’t say, ‘No.’ I don’t want to make them mad at me!” This person is struggling with setting a boundary. The person doesn’t want to go along with someone’s request, but is more concerned with the other’s feelings than how agreeing to the request makes the person themselves feel. Now, it is good to be thoughtful and helpful and to care about others’ needs. The problem comes when an individual always compromises and ignores or subverts one’s own needs and feelings. The problem is being out of balance and skewed in favor of the other too much. People do have the right to care about themselves, to protect themselves.

Boundaries are the limits we put into place to protect ourselves from being harmed by others. They are rules which guide people such that they don’t harm each other. People with healthy boundaries respect the boundaries of other people, even if the other people do not know to enforce those boundaries themselves. Harm comes about in situations where people with poor boundaries interact. A common scenario is the combination of a person who doesn’t respect others’ boundaries taking advantage of someone who isn’t good at recognizing and enforcing their own boundaries. Some people care so little of others’ boundaries that they cross them even when they are clearly expressed, for example, a thief steals even with signs saying ‘Shoplifters will be prosecuted.’ The crossing of boundaries can happen on a continuum from simply, without malice, not recognizing that a boundary exists to quite knowingly pressing through boundaries.

Pia Mellody, in her book, “Facing Codependence,” gives an excellent explanation of the various combinations of intact and non-intact boundaries. She also explains how boundaries are learned. In general, we learn boundaries as children from our parents who both teach us and demonstrate by their own behavior, how we should be in this world. A child who grows up with parents with poor boundaries, for example, a child who is being sexually molested, is not taught appropriate boundaries, has its own inherent boundaries crossed by a more powerful adult, and doesn’t learn what appropriate boundaries are or even that they can have their own boundaries. This child grows up having difficulty even knowing how to gauge appropriate boundaries. People generally do grow up having learned boundaries, and vary in their abilities to enforce boundaries in different situations with different people. For example, a person may be very good at holding boundaries with acquaintances but doesn’t maintain boundaries and gives in easily to Mother’s demands.

Most of us struggle to sort out boundaries in complex situations. It is overly simplistic to think we can simply say, “No,” in any situation which makes us uncomfortable. For example, at work, people cannot simply refuse to do aspects of a job they don’t like doing. However, when job duties are compounded so much that they practically cannot be completed in the allotted time and this continues indefinitely such that it is causing burnout in the employee, this would be the time for the employee to recognize limits and boundaries and speak to the employer about making changes. (Labor laws exist to protect employees from abuse.) In personal relationships, people must compromise and take into account each other’s feelings and needs, but when does one person’s compromising become unhealthy self-deprivation or another’s lack of compromise become selfishness rather than healthy self-care.

There are five tactics which help in setting boundaries:

Recognize your own feelings. The first step in setting appropriate boundaries is honoring your own feelings. Do not deny or ignore any feelings. Some feelings have gained a bad reputation as being “bad” feelings or “weak” feelings. In fact, all feelings are guides and should be noticed. Feeling nervous or uncomfortable may be an instinct telling you something isn’t right. Anger and frustration can be signals that you need to enforce a boundary or ask for changes to be made. Sadness could mean you are not taking care of your own needs.

Know your preferences. Sometimes people do not enforce boundaries because they do not know their own opinion! When a person doesn’t know what they like or what they want, they open the door for others to do the choosing for them. If you can’t make a decision, someone else will make it for you. When you leave all of the choices and decisions up to someone else, over time, you lose yourself. Some find they “don’t even know who I am.” Notice your own likes and dislikes, have a favorite color, know what vegetables you like and don’t like, have an opinion on what movie to see.

Be reasonable, give yourself guidelines. Decide what you are willing to live with and when it is time to speak up. For example, you might choose to speak up when something has annoyed you at least three times. If it only happens once, you don’t say anything, you just tolerate it. If it happens repeatedly, three times in our example, you determine this is worth speaking up about and asking for change. Practice assertive communication. Or you might have values be your guidelines. You might decide that you will not live with someone who breaks your trust or who isn’t loyal. Know your own values.

Practice honesty. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. Many of us have been taught to lie in the practice of being polite. We have been taught it is polite to always appear happy. It is polite to not be a bother to others. When someone asks you how your day was, it is ok to reply, “Some good, some bad,” rather than the standard, non-informative, “It was fine.” Or we have learned to lie by omission. We do not want to burden others with our own experiences, so we don’t tell. But the reality is we are not having true, real relationships with others, if we do not share our own experience. We lose ourselves and our ability to have boundaries when we don’t express our honest experience.

Learn to say, “No.” Many people shudder in fear and trepidation at the thought of actually saying “No” to any request. But we become over-committed and then over-stressed when we are not able to set limits on our time and energy we have available to give to others. We harm ourselves, and others take advantage when we are not able to set a firm limit. Abusers are attracted to those who don’t recognize their own right to hold a limit. The December 2013 issue of Psychology Today magazine has an article by Judith Sills, PhD titled, “The Power of No.” She provides guidelines on how to begin the practice of effectively, kindly, assertively saying “No.”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201310/the-power-no

Maintaining boundaries is a way to protect ourselves from interpersonal harm. It is also how we stay connected to our own identity. Boundaries help us to maintain the “self.” To be human is to be in relationship with other humans. Learning to have boundaries in relationships with other people contributes to healthier, more equal relationships for all involved.

Speak Up Without Causing Destruction: Communication Styles and Assertiveness

Hello Friends and Colleagues. I have not posted for several weeks because I came down very sick with a fever and other changing symptoms. My energy is back and I have just a lingering cough. I am ready to provide you with the post I had promised you on communication styles.

There are three main communication styles and one sub-style:

First is the Non-Assertive or Passive Style of communication. A person who expresses themselves with this style tends to ignore and to not express their own rights, needs, and desires. They are indirect, inhibited, and self-denying. This person tends to feel hurt and to be anxious and can build up resentments. The behaviors they display include: permitting others to infringe on their own rights, avoiding unpleasant, risky situations and conflict, and not speaking up or stating their own opinions. They allow others to choose for them. A person with the passive communication style tends to not achieve their own desired goals. A stereotype associated with this style is the “Doormat” or the “Pushover.”

Next is the Aggressive Style. A person who expresses themselves aggressively tends to express their own rights, needs and desires but, unfortunately, they do this at the expense of others. They are emotionally honest, direct, and expressive, but in a hurtful manner. They are self-enhancing. They tend to anger and resentment. The behaviors they display include: having inappropriate outbursts or overreactions, putting others down, getting even or getting revenge. They tend to justify their blow-ups. They choose for others and they achieve their desired goals with indifference for others and even by hurting others. The stereotype associated with this style is that of people “walking on eggshells” around the aggressive person.

A sub-style is the Passive-Aggressive Style. A person with this style is predominantly passive most of the time. This person feels anger and resentment due to their passivity. Some express this anger in a sneaky manner by being outwardly passive but behind the scenes getting revenge. The person may spread rumors, undermine another’s efforts, cause property damage, or even manipulate relationships. Others will be generally passive and build up such anger and resentment over time until they have an aggressive outburst or angry explosion. Usually, they dislike this angry outburst, feel guilty and ashamed, and return to being generally passive. The stereotype could be “Backstabber” or “Ticking Time Bomb.”

Finally, there is the Assertive Style. This is the ideal to which we strive. The definition provided by Alberti and Emmons in their book, “Your Perfect Right,” is:

Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others.

A person with an Assertive Style expresses their own rights, needs, and desires while respecting others. They are emotionally honest, direct, and expressive in a respectful manner. They are self-enhancing and they work through their emotions in a constructive manner. They feel good about themselves. The behaviors they display include: valuing self and others, being self-confident, communicating effectively, choosing for themselves, and being more equal and honest in relationships. This person achieves their desired goals without harming others.

Some key aspects to improved assertiveness include: developing self-knowledge or self-awareness, improving effective communication skills, developing strong boundaries, and managing emotions. These will all be topics of future posts.

Do you have any experiences with these communication styles you would like to share and any knowledge you have gained related to this topic? 

Knowing, Protecting, and Expressing Identity

I think therefore I am - Descartes. But who am I? How do we know who we really are (identity) and how do we honor that unique person?

Without a sense of identity, people flounder. They can have difficulty in relationships with others and trouble maintaining stability in life. Poor sense of identity is an underlying cause of many maladaptive behaviors and much mental anguish.

Identity is a sense of one’s unique self which is separate from others and is in relation to others. It includes what we believe, our preferences, values, passions, unique talents and attributes, and the groups with which we associate.

Closely connected with identity is self-esteem which is an evaluation of one’s own worth.  It includes the amount of confidence in self based on experience and on successful achievement.

Our identity develops from our genetic composition and from the beliefs and values taught to us by caregivers. Then it is honed by our own experiences and assessments, is influenced by society and culture, and is adjusted in response to feedback from others and to our experience of outcomes.

We honor our unique identity by developing healthy boundaries (the limits we set) and by having an assertive approach to interpersonal interactions.

A couple of useful books on boundaries are: 

1. Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine, and
2. Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody.

An assertive approach to interacting with others serves to: express our true selves honestly, protects the self, gets one’s needs met, and allows one to have safety in relationship with others.

In my next post, I will discuss several styles of interpersonal interaction, including the assertive style.

Readers, do you have anything you would add, especially any references to good books on these topics?

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

I first read, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” (1987) by Susan Jeffers, as a college student. A few key points have remained with me throughout life, even without specifically going back to the text for a reference.

The title itself has often been a mantra in the back of my mind. In situations where I want to take a beneficial course of action, but I am nervous about my ability or the actual outcome, I tell myself, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” It helps me to have the energy and confidence to take action.

In explaining how to get past fear to make a decision, Jeffers points out that at each step, we make a choice. Then, we find out how that turns out. If we do not like how it turns out, we make another choice. There is always another choice to be made. This seems obvious when stated, but we can tend to operate as if a particular decision is all there is. We tell ourselves we have to get it right. In actuality, we cannot know all aspects or know for certain the outcome of our choices. It is more important to know we can make further choices and that we are capable of managing what comes of our choices. I believe my grandmother used to say, “What come, what may.” Jeffers states, “Every time you encounter something that forces you to ‘handle it,’ your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way, your fears are diminished immeasurably.” (Chapter 7, p. 117.)

In chapter eight, a life grid is presented which shows the importance of diversifying the number and type of people or activities which we value. I have used this grid to help get this concept across to my clients. For example, some people put all of their focus and energy into a relationship with another person. Nothing else in life is of much significance. In this instance, the grid is a single large box filled completely with RELATIONSHIP. If that relationship ends, the box goes blank, demonstrating what the person has of importance in their life – nothing. This puts the person into crisis. Instead, if a person develops several areas of value, several areas in which they invest their energy and focus, then they have an actual grid of several squares, each representing a different area of importance in their life: school, work, friends, relationship, hobby, spirituality, health. In this situation, if one area of importance slips or struggles, there are still several other areas which remain important and bring value into the person’s life. The multiple areas of value buffer and support the person while struggling in the one area. Their entire life does not go into crisis.

In an article related to this topic, “How to Make Yourself Do It When You Just Don’t Want To,” Halvorson lists as reason number one for procrastinating “being afraid you will screw it up.” While Jeffers emphasizes developing confidence in one’s ability to handle any outcome, Halvorson encourages thinking of the possible negative outcomes of non-action as a motivator to go ahead and do the thing you are nervous about doing. She also discusses a couple of other reasons for procrastination and specific ways to address them. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201402/how-make-yourself-do-it-when-you-just-dont-want

Jeffers’ book is helpful to people who know they could make changes and improve their experience of life, but who stay frozen by their own fears.

Ten Attitudes Helpful for Personal Growth

Develop these ten attitudes that support creating a better life and quality relationships:

Valuing Lifelong Learning – You want to know more about self, about human nature, about science, about new discoveries.

Curiosity – Children learn and grow naturally, with enthusiasm and enjoyment, through curiosity. Adults can continue to cultivate an attitude of curiosity.

Hope – You have hope for positive changes and outcomes.

Desire to Become the Best One Can Be – This is not just for the Army. There is more than just surviving, getting by. You may find fulfillment in striving for self-actualization, becoming one’s best version of self.

Open-Minded – We grow by becoming aware of new approaches, ways of thinking, new information.

Saying ‘Yes’ to New Opportunities and Challenges – You have a willingness to try, to go along.

Believing One Deserves Improved Circumstances – Value yourself to be just as worthy as others. Don’t just settle.

Willingness to Work – You are able to see aspects of self that can be improved upon. You are willing to expend effort for personal gain.

Desire for Quality Life Experiences – You understand that life is, indeed, short. You want to fill life with good experiences and positive relationships.

Desire to Contribute One’s Unique Talents to Humanity – Self-improvement is a positive contribution to others, to friends and family, and to society.

Is there a quality or two on this list that you want to focus on? Are there some qualities that you already find helpful? Is there a quality you would add to this list?

Halt the Calamity

Cognitive Distortions, Thinking Errors, and Distorted Thinking: We all do it. I have been a licensed therapist for 20 years teaching this subject to others and I still do it. Our human brains are wired to work in these ways. The brain takes in multitudes of information per second. Then, it has to identify, sort, classify, and make sense of the incoming information and make decisions about it. It takes short-cuts to make this process fast and efficient. Most of the time, the short-cut method works very well and is necessary for our quick thinking minds. But those short-cuts can also cause misperceptions. They can trip us up. We can’t always trust that because we think it, we are correct in our thinking.

It is important to know about cognitive distortions, because when we think in these ways, whatever emotion we are having is increased. If we are angry and engage in distorted thinking, it causes us to be angrier. If we are depressed, we feel worse. If we are anxious and worried about something, our cognitive distortions increase the anxiety. We want to be able to recognize our own distorted thinking so that we don’t make our experience of a situation worse than it needs to be.

Distorted thinking is not something you are going to completely eliminate. The goal is to learn what cognitive distortions are, be able to recognize them when they come in to your thinking, and then adjust your thinking to be more realistic. Now, there is a lot of talk about positive thinking, and it is a valuable endeavor. But I like to point out that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes bad things happen and we can’t say anything positive about it. Sometimes things happen that are horrendous. So cognitive distortions need to be changed, but they don’t always have to be changed to a positive thought. Cognitive distortions simply need to be put back into reasonable perspective.

I am going to discuss ten of the cognitive distortions presented by David Burns in his book, “Feeling Good,” (1980) and suggest how to counter them with something more realistic:

All-or-Nothing, Either/Or, Black-and-White Thinking: The person thinks in extremes and does not see other possibilities or variables. The person thinks, “It is either this or that.” For example, “They either love me or hate me, “I am either good or bad,” I am either a success or a failure” The person may have perfectionistic tendencies such that when they earn an 80% on a test, they conclude that they are a failure. In fact, they did well on 80%, which is not failing.
Change it to: There are a number of possibilities which exist on a continuum. Give credit to that which falls in-between the extremes.

Overgeneralization: The person takes a single event and sees it as an ongoing constant. The person thinks, “This always happens.” For example, “You never listen to me,” “You always do that,” “I always screw up,” “You never finish anything you start.” Words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ are clues that one is making an overgeneralization.
Change it to: Observe only the present situation, such as “Right now, you don’t seem to be listening.”

Negative Mental Filter: The person gives more attention to negative events or negative variables and does not notice positives or dismisses positives as not as important as the negative. For example, a person in a good mood looks out a window at a blue sky with a single cloud and thinks, “It is going to be a beautiful day! The sky is mostly sunny and blue!” A person in a low mood uses Negative Mental Filter, looks out a window at a blue sky with a single cloud and thinks, “This is going to be a miserable day. See that cloud. It is going to cloud up and rain.”
Change it to: Notice what is going well or what is right along with the negative. The positive holds as much weight as the negative. This is the time for changing negative thinking to positive thinking. Remind yourself to direct your attention to the positive aspects of a situation.

Related article:

http://www.learning-mind.com/5-mistakes-our-brain-makes-every-day/

Magnification or Minimization: The person thinks of a problem as much worse than it is or, on the other hand, doesn’t give enough significance to a real problem. With minimization, the person thinks or says, “It doesn’t really matter” or “It is no big deal.” With magnification, the person catastrophizes, and reacts as if a moderate problem is of life or death significance. For example, a woman over-reacts to having broken her nail or having a bad-hair-day. A man slips or makes a mistake while making a repair and throws his tools and the object being repaired around the room.
Change it to: “I can get through this. With some patience and practice, it will get done.”

Should Statements:  The person thinks in terms of moral rules applied to oneself and to others. The person mentally whips themselves to take action. For example, thinking “I should do this or that,” “I had better do such-and-such,” “I need to do this.” Or the person looks at the past and thinks, “I should have done such-and-such.” The person applies judgment to other people on how they should behave. For example, “That person should apologize to me, and until they do, I am not going to speak to them.”
Change it to: When motivating oneself, say “I want to get this done before the next thing.” Changing ‘should’ or ‘have to’ into ‘want’ is more positive and helps a person feel more in control instead of driven. When it comes to other people, keep in mind that they do not have to live according to rules in your mind. There are a number of ways to approach most situations.

Labeling: The person observes a single behavior and applies a general label. In other words, the person engages in name-calling, usually of a negative nature such as: stupid, clumsy, lazy.
Change it to: Discuss only the behavior in that moment. Remember that people are complex and we only see snippets of their entire personality in a moment.

Emotional Reasoning: The person has a feeling and believes that is proof that something is true. The person makes decisions and takes action based on feeling, not factual evidence. For example, a person feels they are going to make a fool of themselves and they feel an interview will go badly, so they choose to not go to the interview at all.
Change it to: Just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. Feelings are not facts.

Personalization: The person takes on full responsibility for things that are outside of their control. For example, a parent attributes their child’s misbehavior entirely to their own failure as a parent when other variables could be involved such as the child’s inherent temperament or hyperactivity. Another example would be a spouse blaming themselves for their partner’s alcoholic overindulgences.
Change it to: Be aware that all people are responsible for their own behavior. Take responsibility only for that which you control, that is, your own choices and actions.

Comparison Game: The person compares him/herself to someone who seemingly has more or better belongings or attributes.
Change it to: Know that each situation is unique and most comparisons are not equal or fair. It is reasonable to strive for something. It is not reasonable to put oneself down because of not having what another has. Notice one’s own worthwhile qualities and work to improve and to grow from where one is at that point in time. A positive form of the comparison game is to compare one’s own situation to those less fortunate and to then be grateful for the blessings one does have.

Jumping to Conclusions: The person takes minimal information and assumes full knowledge. In Mind-Reading, the person sees an expression on another’s face or observes body language or actions and assumes they know what another is thinking. The person does not check with the other for accurate clarification. In Fortune-Telling, the person assumes a negative outcome to a future event.
Change it to: Don’t assume. Ask if you are correct in your thinking. Communicate.

If you want to work on your own cognitive distortions, pick one or two and keep track for a few days of each time you think in those ways. Just keeping track of them will lead to you reducing your use of them. Then, practice changing your typical ways of distorted thinking into something more realistic for the particular situation at hand. It is most useful during a time of high emotion to notice cognitive distortions and change them so that they do not contribute to the intense emotion. Keeping a journal is a good method for catching distorted thinking and taking time to put it into better perspective.

Can you share a time when your own thinking errors made a situation worse than it needed to be?

Review of Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward by Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente (2010)

“Changing for Good” assures that true change is possible. It explains that there are certain stages and certain steps to take in each stage. Many people are unsuccessful in their attempts at change because they skip important initial stages or they use the wrong strategies for the stage they are in. The authors assert, “The key to success is the appropriately timed use of a variety of coping skills.” (Kindle location 135-136.) Through educating the reader on the processes followed by “successful self-changers”, the book increases the likelihood that change attempts are effective.

The book has a conversational style. A caring guide explains important points while empathizing with the struggles at each stage. At the same time, the author refers back to the extensive research of the team and outcomes which support their assertions. Common defenses, excuses, and behaviors which contribute to maintaining the problem behavior are confronted in a manner that is palatable to the reader who might be employing those very self-defeating actions. The serious difficulty in making lasting change is not glossed over; it is made quite clear.

Hope is given. This is the text which introduces the concepts of slips and relapses. It teaches that these are a normal part of the change process. It also encourages the reader that one does not have to fall back to start all over at the pre-contemplation stage. With education and perspective, one can begin again at one of the later stages such as preparation or action.

The book is written to support people who are trying to change on their own. Near the end, however, it notes that if one has tried repeatedly without success, it would benefit to seek professional help. I was disappointed that when different helping professionals were identified, there was a specific caution made against those who call themselves counselors. The point was that some call themselves counselors who do not have legitimate training. The caution should have advised that one look for those with appropriate credentials such as master’s degrees and state licensure. Since I am a master’s level Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in my home state and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the next state over, I want people to understand the credibility of licensure.

In the end, “Changing for Good” makes it clear that making lasting change is a difficult process that one must make a commitment to continue working at over a long period of time, such as over years. It states, “Clinical research indicates that only about 20 percent of the population permanently conquers long-standing problems on the first try.” (Kindle location 3120.) The person seeking to change a problem behavior is advised to examine what stage of change they are in and to follow the processes outlined in the book to help the person to move from one stage to the next with the best preparation. Overall, it is an easy to read, educational, and supportive self-help book.