Speak Up Without Causing Destruction: Communication Styles and Assertiveness

Hello Friends and Colleagues. I have not posted for several weeks because I came down very sick with a fever and other changing symptoms. My energy is back and I have just a lingering cough. I am ready to provide you with the post I had promised you on communication styles.

There are three main communication styles and one sub-style:

First is the Non-Assertive or Passive Style of communication. A person who expresses themselves with this style tends to ignore and to not express their own rights, needs, and desires. They are indirect, inhibited, and self-denying. This person tends to feel hurt and to be anxious and can build up resentments. The behaviors they display include: permitting others to infringe on their own rights, avoiding unpleasant, risky situations and conflict, and not speaking up or stating their own opinions. They allow others to choose for them. A person with the passive communication style tends to not achieve their own desired goals. A stereotype associated with this style is the “Doormat” or the “Pushover.”

Next is the Aggressive Style. A person who expresses themselves aggressively tends to express their own rights, needs and desires but, unfortunately, they do this at the expense of others. They are emotionally honest, direct, and expressive, but in a hurtful manner. They are self-enhancing. They tend to anger and resentment. The behaviors they display include: having inappropriate outbursts or overreactions, putting others down, getting even or getting revenge. They tend to justify their blow-ups. They choose for others and they achieve their desired goals with indifference for others and even by hurting others. The stereotype associated with this style is that of people “walking on eggshells” around the aggressive person.

A sub-style is the Passive-Aggressive Style. A person with this style is predominantly passive most of the time. This person feels anger and resentment due to their passivity. Some express this anger in a sneaky manner by being outwardly passive but behind the scenes getting revenge. The person may spread rumors, undermine another’s efforts, cause property damage, or even manipulate relationships. Others will be generally passive and build up such anger and resentment over time until they have an aggressive outburst or angry explosion. Usually, they dislike this angry outburst, feel guilty and ashamed, and return to being generally passive. The stereotype could be “Backstabber” or “Ticking Time Bomb.”

Finally, there is the Assertive Style. This is the ideal to which we strive. The definition provided by Alberti and Emmons in their book, “Your Perfect Right,” is:

Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others.

A person with an Assertive Style expresses their own rights, needs, and desires while respecting others. They are emotionally honest, direct, and expressive in a respectful manner. They are self-enhancing and they work through their emotions in a constructive manner. They feel good about themselves. The behaviors they display include: valuing self and others, being self-confident, communicating effectively, choosing for themselves, and being more equal and honest in relationships. This person achieves their desired goals without harming others.

Some key aspects to improved assertiveness include: developing self-knowledge or self-awareness, improving effective communication skills, developing strong boundaries, and managing emotions. These will all be topics of future posts.

Do you have any experiences with these communication styles you would like to share and any knowledge you have gained related to this topic?