This is a time with our economy shut down when people are
feeling a lot of uncertainty and fear. In thinking about how to cope in this
situation, I thought about years ago when I agreed to do a first jump with a
parachute out of an airplane. Just the fact that I agreed to that means the
average person doesn’t think like me! But if you can, my thought process which
allowed me to do the jump could be helpful during times of uncertainty.
I had three days of in-class instruction and then the day
came. Before even going up in the plane, my mind basically went blank. I talked
with people and did things I needed to do, but I wasn’t thinking much. I
remember someone walked by while I ate a sandwich and wondered how I could eat
before a first jump. I just wasn’t thinking much, was kind of numb, and so I
still had an appetite! Once in the airplane and flying, I waited as a couple of
other people went before me. I think it was all so out of my experience that I
was in a kind of shock or amazement. I did the jump and that is quite a fun
story!
But coping with uncertainty and fear is what this is about.
Over the years, I had a few people show interest in doing a jump if I would go
with them. I turned them down. During this time, I worked as a therapist with
clients experiencing severe chronic pain. They were not living the life they
wanted. In the group of people that I jumped with, someone broke their tailbone,
someone broke several bones in his foot, and someone got whiplash. I did, too, and I still have residual issues in my neck. When people wanted me to go again, my thinking
had changed. I now knew too much about the sequence of experiences involved in
the jump process. I now thought about how my life could be damaged if I had a
back injury, for instance. If I went again, I would be more afraid because it
was no longer an ‘out-of-this world’ experience. I wouldn’t be in shocked amazement;
I would think enough to be scared!
I always remember that now in times of high stress when I
don’t know how things will turn out. I try not to think about it!
I still do
things to stay on track and set myself up well, but I also do a lot of
distraction to get through. I stay busy, but I also go into that blank-mind
mode if I can. Thinking about how badly it could go wrong is not helpful. There are times when a person just needs to keep
moving forward. So as Scarlet O’Hara said in Gone with the Wind, “I can’t think
about that today. I’ll just go crazy if I do! I’ll think about that tomorrow.”
Did you know that your thoughts lead to your emotional reaction
which then leads to how you act?
Here is an example that I like to give:
If we were sitting in a group of people, and a rabbit was
released into the middle of the group:
One person might think, “Oh, what a cute little bunny!
Rabbits are so soft and sweet. I love rabbits! I want to pick it up!” As a
result, that person could feel happy, warm, loving and might move to go pet the
rabbit or to pick it up.
Another person might think, “I hate rabbits! They scratch
and bite. Rabbits are just awful rodents. Get it away from me! Get it out of
here!” As a result, this person could feel fear, anxiety, anger, disgust and
might move to chase the rabbit out of the room or the person might leave the
room.
These different reactions come from the way the person
thinks (and past experience which shapes thinking.)
This is why, if you struggle with emotions which overwhelm
you or moods which hinder you, it helps to look at your thinking. Changing your
thinking can help you manage your emotional reactions.
About now in my explanation is when people jump to the
injunction to “think positive!”
Now, thinking positively does have its usefulness, but it
has been used so often and it just doesn’t always fit some situations. Many
people feel annoyed when they hear “Think positive!” posed as a solution.
The reality is that much of our thinking which leads to unpleasant
emotions is extreme. It jumps to the worst outcome. It eliminates a variety of
possibilities.
Managing your emotions can be helped by changing your
thinking to be more moderate and reasonable. Instead of jumping to the worst
conclusion, look at the situation as it is and think of how to handle it at
that time.
The next time you are in the middle of a strong emotion or
are distressed in some way, slow down and ask yourself, “Am I making this worse
by how I am thinking? How can I handle what is happening right now?”
Then you
can choose an action to take such as doing something distracting or getting
some exercise. You can look at what is in your control and make decisions about
that.
Change your thinking to manage your emotions.
I frequently hear from my clients that they are not
motivated. They don’t feel like doing anything. Yet many do not like any amount
of downtime. I think in some way they are not in touch with themselves or they
do not like their own company. (Some have trauma and are avoiding painful,
intrusive thoughts. That is another more complicated issue.) Some people stay
busy with activities, often driven by shoulds and have-tos, trying to please
others. Some people want to have another person interacting with them. Some
people need a constant distraction such as TV, You Tube, games or social media.
Society also imposes expectations that, over time, can put a person on
auto-pilot meeting responsibilities, but not engaging in fulfilling activities.
It is this sense of fulfillment, inherent interest or curiosity, or simply
enjoying the experience that would naturally lead to a feeling of motivation.
During this time when the whole country is being encouraged
to stay home, this could bring uncomfortable feelings to the forefront for many.
Staying home could be a miserable experience. I think this would be a good time
for people to get more in touch with themselves and more comfortable with their
own company. In order to feel motivated, a person needs to look forward to something.
(People can also be motivated by fear or by a threat, but this is not the kind
of motivation people are seeking.) In order to look forward to something, it
helps to know what you like, what you enjoy. Some people have become so out of
touch that they don’t know what they like. They don’t have an opinion anymore.
They don’t care.
In order to feel more, to have a care, to want to do
something, a person needs to get in touch with his/her own experience of likes
and dislikes. The person needs to know his/her own opinion.
I recommend five steps to reconnect and find motivation.
First,
believe that you have the right to have an opinion. It is not selfish or bad.
Next,
stop to notice your own reactions. Start with small things such as what color
do you prefer; do you actually like the food you are eating; do you feel
physically comfortable; what temperature do you like the room to be? Instead of
thoughtlessly going along with what others want, ask yourself if it is what you
want.
Third, voice your opinion. You don’t have to do this in a demanding or
rude manner. You do not have to press for others to change in any way. Just
speak up for yourself. Much of the time, one’s preferences do not even affect
others.
Fourth, take action. Purposely with intention, do things you like. Set
aside time for enjoyment.
Finally, learn to advocate for yourself in an assertive
manner. Make a conscious decision about either going along with others’ desires
or advocating for what you want. Assess the pros and cons.
Identify your authentic likes and dislikes and you might
find your motivation.
