Knowing, Protecting, and Expressing Identity

I think therefore I am - Descartes. But who am I? How do we know who we really are (identity) and how do we honor that unique person?

Without a sense of identity, people flounder. They can have difficulty in relationships with others and trouble maintaining stability in life. Poor sense of identity is an underlying cause of many maladaptive behaviors and much mental anguish.

Identity is a sense of one’s unique self which is separate from others and is in relation to others. It includes what we believe, our preferences, values, passions, unique talents and attributes, and the groups with which we associate.

Closely connected with identity is self-esteem which is an evaluation of one’s own worth.  It includes the amount of confidence in self based on experience and on successful achievement.

Our identity develops from our genetic composition and from the beliefs and values taught to us by caregivers. Then it is honed by our own experiences and assessments, is influenced by society and culture, and is adjusted in response to feedback from others and to our experience of outcomes.

We honor our unique identity by developing healthy boundaries (the limits we set) and by having an assertive approach to interpersonal interactions.

A couple of useful books on boundaries are: 

1. Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine, and
2. Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody.

An assertive approach to interacting with others serves to: express our true selves honestly, protects the self, gets one’s needs met, and allows one to have safety in relationship with others.

In my next post, I will discuss several styles of interpersonal interaction, including the assertive style.

Readers, do you have anything you would add, especially any references to good books on these topics?

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

I first read, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” (1987) by Susan Jeffers, as a college student. A few key points have remained with me throughout life, even without specifically going back to the text for a reference.

The title itself has often been a mantra in the back of my mind. In situations where I want to take a beneficial course of action, but I am nervous about my ability or the actual outcome, I tell myself, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” It helps me to have the energy and confidence to take action.

In explaining how to get past fear to make a decision, Jeffers points out that at each step, we make a choice. Then, we find out how that turns out. If we do not like how it turns out, we make another choice. There is always another choice to be made. This seems obvious when stated, but we can tend to operate as if a particular decision is all there is. We tell ourselves we have to get it right. In actuality, we cannot know all aspects or know for certain the outcome of our choices. It is more important to know we can make further choices and that we are capable of managing what comes of our choices. I believe my grandmother used to say, “What come, what may.” Jeffers states, “Every time you encounter something that forces you to ‘handle it,’ your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way, your fears are diminished immeasurably.” (Chapter 7, p. 117.)

In chapter eight, a life grid is presented which shows the importance of diversifying the number and type of people or activities which we value. I have used this grid to help get this concept across to my clients. For example, some people put all of their focus and energy into a relationship with another person. Nothing else in life is of much significance. In this instance, the grid is a single large box filled completely with RELATIONSHIP. If that relationship ends, the box goes blank, demonstrating what the person has of importance in their life – nothing. This puts the person into crisis. Instead, if a person develops several areas of value, several areas in which they invest their energy and focus, then they have an actual grid of several squares, each representing a different area of importance in their life: school, work, friends, relationship, hobby, spirituality, health. In this situation, if one area of importance slips or struggles, there are still several other areas which remain important and bring value into the person’s life. The multiple areas of value buffer and support the person while struggling in the one area. Their entire life does not go into crisis.

In an article related to this topic, “How to Make Yourself Do It When You Just Don’t Want To,” Halvorson lists as reason number one for procrastinating “being afraid you will screw it up.” While Jeffers emphasizes developing confidence in one’s ability to handle any outcome, Halvorson encourages thinking of the possible negative outcomes of non-action as a motivator to go ahead and do the thing you are nervous about doing. She also discusses a couple of other reasons for procrastination and specific ways to address them. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201402/how-make-yourself-do-it-when-you-just-dont-want

Jeffers’ book is helpful to people who know they could make changes and improve their experience of life, but who stay frozen by their own fears.

Ten Attitudes Helpful for Personal Growth

Develop these ten attitudes that support creating a better life and quality relationships:

Valuing Lifelong Learning – You want to know more about self, about human nature, about science, about new discoveries.

Curiosity – Children learn and grow naturally, with enthusiasm and enjoyment, through curiosity. Adults can continue to cultivate an attitude of curiosity.

Hope – You have hope for positive changes and outcomes.

Desire to Become the Best One Can Be – This is not just for the Army. There is more than just surviving, getting by. You may find fulfillment in striving for self-actualization, becoming one’s best version of self.

Open-Minded – We grow by becoming aware of new approaches, ways of thinking, new information.

Saying ‘Yes’ to New Opportunities and Challenges – You have a willingness to try, to go along.

Believing One Deserves Improved Circumstances – Value yourself to be just as worthy as others. Don’t just settle.

Willingness to Work – You are able to see aspects of self that can be improved upon. You are willing to expend effort for personal gain.

Desire for Quality Life Experiences – You understand that life is, indeed, short. You want to fill life with good experiences and positive relationships.

Desire to Contribute One’s Unique Talents to Humanity – Self-improvement is a positive contribution to others, to friends and family, and to society.

Is there a quality or two on this list that you want to focus on? Are there some qualities that you already find helpful? Is there a quality you would add to this list?

Halt the Calamity

Cognitive Distortions, Thinking Errors, and Distorted Thinking: We all do it. I have been a licensed therapist for 20 years teaching this subject to others and I still do it. Our human brains are wired to work in these ways. The brain takes in multitudes of information per second. Then, it has to identify, sort, classify, and make sense of the incoming information and make decisions about it. It takes short-cuts to make this process fast and efficient. Most of the time, the short-cut method works very well and is necessary for our quick thinking minds. But those short-cuts can also cause misperceptions. They can trip us up. We can’t always trust that because we think it, we are correct in our thinking.

It is important to know about cognitive distortions, because when we think in these ways, whatever emotion we are having is increased. If we are angry and engage in distorted thinking, it causes us to be angrier. If we are depressed, we feel worse. If we are anxious and worried about something, our cognitive distortions increase the anxiety. We want to be able to recognize our own distorted thinking so that we don’t make our experience of a situation worse than it needs to be.

Distorted thinking is not something you are going to completely eliminate. The goal is to learn what cognitive distortions are, be able to recognize them when they come in to your thinking, and then adjust your thinking to be more realistic. Now, there is a lot of talk about positive thinking, and it is a valuable endeavor. But I like to point out that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes bad things happen and we can’t say anything positive about it. Sometimes things happen that are horrendous. So cognitive distortions need to be changed, but they don’t always have to be changed to a positive thought. Cognitive distortions simply need to be put back into reasonable perspective.

I am going to discuss ten of the cognitive distortions presented by David Burns in his book, “Feeling Good,” (1980) and suggest how to counter them with something more realistic:

All-or-Nothing, Either/Or, Black-and-White Thinking: The person thinks in extremes and does not see other possibilities or variables. The person thinks, “It is either this or that.” For example, “They either love me or hate me, “I am either good or bad,” I am either a success or a failure” The person may have perfectionistic tendencies such that when they earn an 80% on a test, they conclude that they are a failure. In fact, they did well on 80%, which is not failing.
Change it to: There are a number of possibilities which exist on a continuum. Give credit to that which falls in-between the extremes.

Overgeneralization: The person takes a single event and sees it as an ongoing constant. The person thinks, “This always happens.” For example, “You never listen to me,” “You always do that,” “I always screw up,” “You never finish anything you start.” Words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ are clues that one is making an overgeneralization.
Change it to: Observe only the present situation, such as “Right now, you don’t seem to be listening.”

Negative Mental Filter: The person gives more attention to negative events or negative variables and does not notice positives or dismisses positives as not as important as the negative. For example, a person in a good mood looks out a window at a blue sky with a single cloud and thinks, “It is going to be a beautiful day! The sky is mostly sunny and blue!” A person in a low mood uses Negative Mental Filter, looks out a window at a blue sky with a single cloud and thinks, “This is going to be a miserable day. See that cloud. It is going to cloud up and rain.”
Change it to: Notice what is going well or what is right along with the negative. The positive holds as much weight as the negative. This is the time for changing negative thinking to positive thinking. Remind yourself to direct your attention to the positive aspects of a situation.

Related article:

http://www.learning-mind.com/5-mistakes-our-brain-makes-every-day/

Magnification or Minimization: The person thinks of a problem as much worse than it is or, on the other hand, doesn’t give enough significance to a real problem. With minimization, the person thinks or says, “It doesn’t really matter” or “It is no big deal.” With magnification, the person catastrophizes, and reacts as if a moderate problem is of life or death significance. For example, a woman over-reacts to having broken her nail or having a bad-hair-day. A man slips or makes a mistake while making a repair and throws his tools and the object being repaired around the room.
Change it to: “I can get through this. With some patience and practice, it will get done.”

Should Statements:  The person thinks in terms of moral rules applied to oneself and to others. The person mentally whips themselves to take action. For example, thinking “I should do this or that,” “I had better do such-and-such,” “I need to do this.” Or the person looks at the past and thinks, “I should have done such-and-such.” The person applies judgment to other people on how they should behave. For example, “That person should apologize to me, and until they do, I am not going to speak to them.”
Change it to: When motivating oneself, say “I want to get this done before the next thing.” Changing ‘should’ or ‘have to’ into ‘want’ is more positive and helps a person feel more in control instead of driven. When it comes to other people, keep in mind that they do not have to live according to rules in your mind. There are a number of ways to approach most situations.

Labeling: The person observes a single behavior and applies a general label. In other words, the person engages in name-calling, usually of a negative nature such as: stupid, clumsy, lazy.
Change it to: Discuss only the behavior in that moment. Remember that people are complex and we only see snippets of their entire personality in a moment.

Emotional Reasoning: The person has a feeling and believes that is proof that something is true. The person makes decisions and takes action based on feeling, not factual evidence. For example, a person feels they are going to make a fool of themselves and they feel an interview will go badly, so they choose to not go to the interview at all.
Change it to: Just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. Feelings are not facts.

Personalization: The person takes on full responsibility for things that are outside of their control. For example, a parent attributes their child’s misbehavior entirely to their own failure as a parent when other variables could be involved such as the child’s inherent temperament or hyperactivity. Another example would be a spouse blaming themselves for their partner’s alcoholic overindulgences.
Change it to: Be aware that all people are responsible for their own behavior. Take responsibility only for that which you control, that is, your own choices and actions.

Comparison Game: The person compares him/herself to someone who seemingly has more or better belongings or attributes.
Change it to: Know that each situation is unique and most comparisons are not equal or fair. It is reasonable to strive for something. It is not reasonable to put oneself down because of not having what another has. Notice one’s own worthwhile qualities and work to improve and to grow from where one is at that point in time. A positive form of the comparison game is to compare one’s own situation to those less fortunate and to then be grateful for the blessings one does have.

Jumping to Conclusions: The person takes minimal information and assumes full knowledge. In Mind-Reading, the person sees an expression on another’s face or observes body language or actions and assumes they know what another is thinking. The person does not check with the other for accurate clarification. In Fortune-Telling, the person assumes a negative outcome to a future event.
Change it to: Don’t assume. Ask if you are correct in your thinking. Communicate.

If you want to work on your own cognitive distortions, pick one or two and keep track for a few days of each time you think in those ways. Just keeping track of them will lead to you reducing your use of them. Then, practice changing your typical ways of distorted thinking into something more realistic for the particular situation at hand. It is most useful during a time of high emotion to notice cognitive distortions and change them so that they do not contribute to the intense emotion. Keeping a journal is a good method for catching distorted thinking and taking time to put it into better perspective.

Can you share a time when your own thinking errors made a situation worse than it needed to be?

Review of Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward by Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente (2010)

“Changing for Good” assures that true change is possible. It explains that there are certain stages and certain steps to take in each stage. Many people are unsuccessful in their attempts at change because they skip important initial stages or they use the wrong strategies for the stage they are in. The authors assert, “The key to success is the appropriately timed use of a variety of coping skills.” (Kindle location 135-136.) Through educating the reader on the processes followed by “successful self-changers”, the book increases the likelihood that change attempts are effective.

The book has a conversational style. A caring guide explains important points while empathizing with the struggles at each stage. At the same time, the author refers back to the extensive research of the team and outcomes which support their assertions. Common defenses, excuses, and behaviors which contribute to maintaining the problem behavior are confronted in a manner that is palatable to the reader who might be employing those very self-defeating actions. The serious difficulty in making lasting change is not glossed over; it is made quite clear.

Hope is given. This is the text which introduces the concepts of slips and relapses. It teaches that these are a normal part of the change process. It also encourages the reader that one does not have to fall back to start all over at the pre-contemplation stage. With education and perspective, one can begin again at one of the later stages such as preparation or action.

The book is written to support people who are trying to change on their own. Near the end, however, it notes that if one has tried repeatedly without success, it would benefit to seek professional help. I was disappointed that when different helping professionals were identified, there was a specific caution made against those who call themselves counselors. The point was that some call themselves counselors who do not have legitimate training. The caution should have advised that one look for those with appropriate credentials such as master’s degrees and state licensure. Since I am a master’s level Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in my home state and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the next state over, I want people to understand the credibility of licensure.

In the end, “Changing for Good” makes it clear that making lasting change is a difficult process that one must make a commitment to continue working at over a long period of time, such as over years. It states, “Clinical research indicates that only about 20 percent of the population permanently conquers long-standing problems on the first try.” (Kindle location 3120.) The person seeking to change a problem behavior is advised to examine what stage of change they are in and to follow the processes outlined in the book to help the person to move from one stage to the next with the best preparation. Overall, it is an easy to read, educational, and supportive self-help book.

Blinded by My Own Mind Games

As a therapist working in a hospital psychiatric setting, there are certain tricks I frequently see employed by people to protect themselves from the pain of facing problems. If a problem situation is too intense or overwhelming, especially in the beginning, it is adaptive for the mind to employ these protections. Over time, the person addresses different aspects a little at a time in a manageable manner. However, people can protect themselves so well that they never acknowledge a problem exists. In order to be in control of one’s life choices and personal actions, one must recognize problems, tolerate emotional distress, and take conscious action. The following eight defenses are common. If a person works to reduce reliance on these defenses and instead faces facts, then progress can be made in solving or eliminating the source of stress or emotional pain. The person takes back the right to make conscious personal choices about their own life direction.

Denial

The person does not believe there is a problem. There is a complete lack of awareness. Common statements include: “I don’t know what you are talking about,” “That didn’t happen!” “I don’t get angry” “I didn’t say that.”

Minimization

The person admits to something but assesses it to be within the normal range or of no consequence. Common statements: “It’s no big deal,” “I don’t know what they are getting so upset about,” “It’s not a problem for me,” “I drink sometimes like anyone else,” “Everybody gets angry, sometimes I get a little annoyed.”

Avoidance, Dodging, Shifting

The person brings up a completely different issue or brings attention to something else of no connection to the topic. Sometimes it elicits concern from others which takes away from the problem to be discussed. Examples: “My tooth has been hurting; I need to make a dental appointment.” “Oh, look, I have a stain on my shirt (or it is unraveling, etc.)” “What is for dinner? I am starving!”

Intellectualization

The person over-analyzes and uses logical justification to explain away the problem. The person remains so logical and analytical that they do not experience the emotions associated with a problem. It is the experience of emotion that could spur the person to action. Instead, the person remains mired in over-thinking and contemplating. “I wonder why I do that. It could be because I haven’t slept well, or I have a lot of work on my mind. But it makes sense; anyone under the same circumstance would do the same.” Or the person does a lot of describing or telling the events of a situation but cannot talk about their emotional responses.

Blaming or Projection

When someone is trying to talk to the person about a problem, the person responds with angry blaming and accusations about the other’s actions. Common statements: “You don’t listen to me,” “You don’t care about me, this is about you getting what you want,” “You always point out what’s wrong with me” “You care about so-and-so more than me.” These accusations put the other on defensive which leads to them trying to explain themselves and to reassure the individual. This takes away from discussing the problem that originally needed to be discussed. With projection, the person accuses others of the very characteristics or issues that are within them which they deny.

Victim Stance

When people try to confront a person about a problem, the person reacts as if those doing the confronting are being mean or cruel. The problem cannot be discussed because the person reacts with such hurt. The person might label themselves in a negative manner or generalize that life is not fair to them. They have bad luck and they do not make the connection between negative outcomes and their own choices and behaviors. The person might assert that they are incapable or ineffective. This elicits sympathy from others and attempts to talk the person out of their negative assessments.

Anger or Displacement

A person uses anger to keep others away, to make it too uncomfortable to bring up any issues. In displacement, a person takes out their anger on a safe object rather than directing it at the true cause of their anger. For example, a teen boy is failing in school and is on probation and he frequently argues with his mother who continues to love him. Or there is the stereotype: man has bad day at work, comes home and yells at child, then child kicks the dog.

Passive Aggression

The person does not confront a problem directly. They might be agreeable but not follow through. Examples: Instead of talking directly to someone to resolve a conflict, the person gossips and complains to others about the other person. Or the person agrees to do some task which is asked of them, but they forget to do it.

What can you do? Allow yourself to become open to other’s observations. Don’t reject others’ complaints about you or their presentation of a problem. Tell yourself and them that you will consider what they are saying. Then do it. Stop thinking about what is wrong with the other person and take a look at your own actions and reactions. We all play some part in every situation. What is the part you are playing? What positive outcome would you like to see happen? Consider what choices and actions you have control over and what changes you could make to positively affect the situation. Also, take a good look at how things really are. Allow yourself to feel your own feelings of fear, anger, hurt, disappointment. But don’t get stuck in them. Use them to determine that something isn’t right and you don’t want it to continue. Use your feelings to propel you into taking action to resolve, remedy, or alter negative circumstances. Practice constructive problem solving and assertive communication. Identify some change you can make or some action you can take or even a change in your thinking. Take some control back and quit just tolerating the status quo. I hope you have positive results!

Meaning of PsychSage

This chart gives the Jungian archetypal meaning for 'Sage'. I think it fits well with the purpose of this blog which seems aptly named, PsychSage.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/8092474304615433/

My motivation for the blog is independence and fulfillment.

Our motto could be "The Truth Will Set You Free."

Through learning about psychology, the study of human behavior, I think our awareness and understanding give us more control of our choices and our life paths. I think we can be more independent and fulfilled.