Seven Habits to Increase Resiliency (The Ability to Cope)

Resiliency is being able to go through a tough or even devastating experience and recover from it. The recovery is both mental/emotional and physical. Making it through a challenging experience creates a positive expectation of being able to handle other situations which may arise. Regularly attending to personal mental and physical health helps to build resiliency.

Mentally:

Moderate thoughts so that they are realistic and not exaggerating the problem.

Noticing what can be learned or gained from an experience, even a painful one, increases the ability to manage it.

Gaining strength from the experience increases a sense of purpose and wisdom.

Stay in the moment without making it worse by bringing in past negative experiences or adding on future worries. Accept the way it is without judgement and labeling. Face it. Make a plan for getting through it.

Being positive isn’t simply thinking happy thoughts. It is more about faith that one is capable of making it and realistically managing the current situation.

Physically:

Aerobic exercise has been shown to increase dopamine and serotonin in the brain which helps to elevate mood. Exercise also helps to counteract the stress hormone cortisol. The saying, “sweat it out” is good advice.

The aspect of competing against oneself during exercise and in physical activities helps to build resilience. Gradually asking more of yourself than what you did before is a healthy challenge which leads to improved confidence and awareness of ability. Going a little further, adding on time, increasing the difficulty all improve physical health and one’s appreciation of personal progress and strength - both physical and mental.

Making a point of regularly practicing healthy mental and physical habits will help you to be prepared for those significant difficult times that life presents.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/enhance-your-resillience-stress/

Value the Quiet

Silence. Many people cannot stand even a moment of quiet. They turn the TV on before the quiet can be noticed by their minds. Some have nonstop involvement with the computer or the game console. Some will say that they hate the quiet. But it is so good and healthy for the brain to have times when outside noise isn’t bombarding it.

The brain needs time to process the stimuli it has absorbed for hours in a day. Often this processing occurs at night while sleeping. It also takes place during daytime moments of quiet involving loose wanderings of thought. I grew up in a manner which allowed such moments to occur naturally. I lived in a rural setting. During the summer, I could find myself sitting at the edge of the man-made stream running through our property for irrigation of the farming land all around. There, I might pick up a stick to scratch and dig at small rocks in the dirt. I would watch ants busily making their way. My cat would wander up, brush against me, and receive my petting. A breeze would go through our Aspen trees causing the leaves to make a sort of light, waterfall type of sound. My parents did not worry that I was spending too much time on some electronic device. We didn’t have anything but a TV which we watched in the evening. Sometimes I would lie on the couch or on the floor in the living room just soaking up the sun coming through the window.

Quiet is often a comfort for me. So it puzzles me when I encounter people who are bothered by it; they seem even to be afraid of it. For health of mind and body, it would be a benefit for people to learn to enjoy times of quiet. The body needs regular relaxation to counter the effects of daily stress. The brain needs time to rejuvenate, sort information, store it into memory, and to physically repair. Problem solving and creative ideas come out of a brain that is allowed to process without focus or pressure. When we make ourselves think, we use known information in standard ways we have learned or been taught. When we let the brain percolate and make connections on its own, unique ideas can spring up.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/the-enemies-invention

These days, mindfulness has become a process encouraged for a number of benefits. It certainly is a way to fully attend to the moment, taking in sensations we might miss due to constant busyness and non-stop evaluative thinking. Mindfulness lets us experience a moment such as the sound of a bumblebee on a flower nearby. We can choose to set aside time for practicing mindfulness. But the randomness of a wandering mind is also healthy. We can choose to allow for unstructured time in which we allow our mind to do what it will. This is the kind of time in which people complain of boredom. Instead of fearing and avoiding boredom, learn to enjoy one’s own mind playing with a daydream or remembering an amusing moment or curiously wondering about something in the world. Put down the phone, step away from the game, and just be. Try it for just five minutes. Or enjoy a walk for physical health with the added benefit of free thinking. These days, we have to make the decision to give ourselves unstructured time. In order to do that, we need to see the value in it.

http://www.lifehack.org/377243/science-says-silence-much-more-important-our-brains-than-thought

Expectation Affects Physical Relief

It pays to work on your attitude. Personality and outlook contribute to changes in brain activity which supports relief of physical symptoms. Personality traits such as being resilient, straightforward, or altruistic assist the brain’s ability to reduce pain and other physical symptoms. Also, having an expectation of a positive outcome boosts the experience of relief. The brain actually produces more of its natural painkillers (opioids, endorphins), and brain activity increases in the prefrontal cortex and is dampened in the emotional regions of the brain.

Understanding how attitude relates to improvement helps in treatment. A commonly used coping method, distraction, did not show a reduction in pain during experiments. However, a focus on pain reduces pain intensity. Approaches such as accepting a situation and tolerating it, which improve resiliency, are proven effective in experiments on attending to pain and rating its intensity. Self-reported reductions in symptoms are found when altering expectation in conditions of pain, insomnia, fatigue, nausea, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), urinary and sexual function. An expectation of improvement contributes significantly to the effectiveness of antidepressants to reduce symptoms.

Research is building evidence that cultivating a positive outlook makes a significant difference in brain function which results in relief of many distressing symptoms. So make your daily list of gratitude, appreciate the little things, get the most out of good moments with mindfulness, and develop that ‘glass is half full’ attitude.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/placebos-work-better-for-nice-peopl/?responsive=false

http://www.nature.com/scientificamericanmind/journal/v24/n1/full/scientificamericanmind0313-34.html

Mental Athlete

Everyone writes about health, exercise, and diet in January for those expected New Year’s Resolutions. They write about how to get motivated and how to stick with it. Now it is April. I have had some success at losing a few pounds, but now find myself eating more chocolate and being bored with keeping track of my daily food intake. Luckily, the weather is getting nice. I have gone for a little lunchtime walk for the past three days at work. And yesterday, I happily mowed the lawn for the first time this spring. I have gone to the gym at least a couple of times each week over the winter, but I have noticed an increasing difficulty in getting myself to go. I am doing much reduced workouts since being injured. I have been observing my own mindset since the injury and the very slow recovery from it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201603/broke-your-new-years-resolution

Actually, I have been observing my mindset about exercise since I was in high school. Back then, I was a complete non-athlete. I hated physical education because I had no skills and no endurance. I was ineffective and frequently felt embarrassment and shame. I actually did have some skills but no one noticed. No one helped me develop them and put them to good use. I could sprint and leave people in the dust. But in PE, we ran laps and I fell way behind and it seemed so hard. Fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with exercise induced asthma, and currently I use a daily inhaler. In high school, I just thought I was lazy and weak. I had good hand-eye coordination. When I took a summer tennis class, I had a natural, killer overhand serve. But I never improved past beginner at playing the game. I could also throw darts quite well. But I couldn’t catch or throw. I couldn’t dribble a basketball. I could make free throws when I practiced, but not during a game. I lacked confidence. The messages in my head held me back as did the possible opinions of classmates. I had a sense that I was getting in my own way, but I couldn’t get past it. I believed there was something wrong with me.

I was naturally thin, so I didn’t need to exercise. I still was insecure. I was very knock-kneed and my mother had emphasized that along with supposedly having weak ankles. I was very near sighted. It was quite bad by the time I finally got glasses in the fifth grade. I think some of my lack of ability came from not developing my eyesight. I believe I still lack in fully observing my environment compared to the average person even with my eyesight corrected. When I did get glasses, they were very thick and added to my insecurity. Getting contacts a few years later definitely helped me to feel better about myself. As I grew up, I was attractive, so I still didn’t need to exercise. I had no cares about health.

In college, I joined a couple of friends in going to a gym to lift weights. It was an individual activity with no one counting on me to be good at something. I started out light and gradually increased repetitions and very gradually increased the weight I was lifting. I discovered comparing myself to myself and seeing gains in improvement was satisfying. After college when I was married, I had to learn to walk. My husband liked to go hiking. I was terrified of uneven ground and had to learn how to traverse even slight changes in grade. Also, I wanted to begin walking for exercise around my neighborhood. I was terrified to walk around the block. Some of my fear was a social anxiety. I didn’t want people to see me. I didn’t want to approach others and have any contact. I was shy and that embarrassment I felt in childhood still was inside of me. Some of my fear was being female. My mother had cautioned me in all manner of situations. We women could be prey. One of the basic protections was to always have someone with you. It took pure will power and a desire to overcome my fears in a personal growth experiment for me to begin going for walks alone around my neighborhood for exercise. Eventually, I was walking four miles at a fairly brisk pace. My confidence increased.

Several years later and still walking for exercise, I decided I wanted to try jogging. I had had terrible experiences in middle school and high school. I had tripped and fallen with my breath knocked out while jogging around a track. I had overheated and almost passed out. I had tried to jog just a little longer and found trying to increase in endurance was too hard. I believed I just couldn’t do it. But the confidence I had gained from my walking exercise had me ready to try again with jogging. I started with jogging just a little bit. It was my social anxiety that threatened to sideline me. I didn’t want anyone to see me jogging. I hid from cars driving by. I had learned that increasing very gradually worked for me. So to build up my jogging distance, I measured out one-tenth mile increments along my route and increased weekly by that amount. I knew others would find that increase too small and too slow. That is why I didn’t want to share in my activity with others. I still don’t like to make use of a trainer or have anyone coaching me. Having someone pushing me is bad for me.

But I improved. And I did start doing some of the local fun runs and 5Ks with friends and family. I then became competitive with myself and strove to improve my time compared to the year before in these various events. Eventually, entirely on my own, I ran a 10k (6 miles) and then a 10-mile course. Then, at the age of 40, I completed a half-marathon! I continued training for a few races each summer and tried a half-marathon again hoping that my experience and training would result in finishing faster than I did the time before. It didn’t. I finished slower and even “bonked” or “hit the wall” and could barely walk the last mile in. I decided I didn’t need to do half marathons. I had proven my toughness to my satisfaction. I continued doing 5Ks and 10Ks.

In 2014, I completed a 10K in September and was ready to back off and rest from training for runs. By the end of October, my foot was hurting after I had tried Pilates and doing a plank pose had really hurt while being on my toes. My foot swelled and redness appeared. In November, an x-ray didn’t show anything but it was assumed I had a stress fracture. I was placed into a walking boot. Healing was not quick, linear, or efficient. I was in and out of the boot as the foot did not heal completely. In January 2015, I had an MRI of the foot which showed evidence of healing around a stress fracture. I spent more time in the boot. This was throwing off my alignment and causing hip and back pain. Finally, at the end of October 2015, I was cleared to be out of the boot. Things didn’t suddenly improve. The hip and back pain continued and was severe enough to make it impossible to roll over in bed most nights and was disrupting my sleep. I am still recovering.

My mindset has had to change again. I have to be ok with lesser, mild exercise without having a goal such as a race for which to train. My pride is hurt. It doesn’t feel the same, not as satisfying. I am trying to find my new niche. I am trying to choose a personal goal that fits my physical condition. I am uncertain what activities I will be able to do for enjoyment. I am waylaid and have felt a lack of motivation. This makes me anxious. It is coming too close to how I felt as a non-athlete. I don’t want to give up, but what will encourage me to continue striving. The warm spring weather and being able to go for 20-30 minute walks, because of improved weather and because my foot can handle it, is giving me hope and helping me to feel better. The mind, with its perspective and self-evaluations, is behind everything we do. The kind of shape it is in determines what we actually do. It is the basis for how far we are able to go.

The Inevitable Fire

                                            (Photo from Bayview Idaho Historical Society www.bayviewhs.com)

The lands have been hot and dry. The weekend before the Fourth of July, our area had temperatures of 105 degrees which broke the record high from when temperatures first began being recorded. The week continued in the upper 90’s. Along came the holiday of fireworks and camping. I chose to not buy any fireworks for personal entertainment. I just didn’t think it would be wise or responsible to participate in lighting things on fire during this terribly dry time. I watched the news but local government did not declare fireworks off limits. Firework stands were forward and center with numerous customers. I did think, “People won’t restrain themselves.” However, the night of the Fourth, I did enjoy the several shows of clearly illegal shoot-up-into-the-sky explosions coming from a few locations around my home. It truly was a thrill to see and made me grin with joy and say, “Ooh!” and “Wow!” It was a satisfying Fourth of July experience. As I returned inside, I hoped a fire had not been sparked in any fields or on the roofs of any homes.

In the morning, I noticed a strong wind blowing and thought, “That could flame a fire if there were one.” It took me awhile to realize the sky was muted and dusty. I dismissed it as early morning. It impressed upon me only after it didn’t clear by later in the morning. Then came a post on Facebook from someone I knew who mentioned ‘evacuating’. Next, came a post from the local news saying they were headed out to see what was happening. Then came the posted photo of a small town facing a huge dark smoke cloud seeming to come forward onto a neighborhood street.

                                                  (Photo from KXLY4, published July 6, 2015, www.kxly.com)

A fire did start and those continuing winds were fanning it. I felt sorry for the firefighters and for the people having their homes and town threatened. Then I had my cynical assessment of human nature, “Of course we can’t delay personal gratification during a clearly high risk time. We want our fun and our traditions.”

The fire burned on through the night spreading up over the hill and down the other side. Before I went to bed, it was said to be over 600 acres burning. It was 2000 acres in the morning. One news report suggested the fire had started from a waterside campfire getting loose and quickly spreading up the hill. Another report said the fire had two separate starting points. Several homes already were lost. Vivid photos from the night showed the huge glowing fire with the photographer describing the difficulty of capturing the photos in the wind gusts which pushed him and his tripod. The sky outside my window is still filled with a tan blanket of smoke-clouds. I had envisioned a morning at the lake on my paddleboard with beautiful scenery and clear blue sky. I took some days off of work this week specifically for that on-the-lake experience of beauty. Not so pretty now on my precious days off.

                                      (Photo by Ted Curphey, July 5, 2015, published by KHQ6. www.khq.com)

I wondered why the local governments hadn’t officially banned campfires and fireworks. Certainly, people would have been outraged and some would have gone ahead with their fiery traditions. But maybe it would have lessened the risk. Did the officials not want to have to manage the peoples’ outrage? Or in America, is it too much of an overreach to tell people to not do something for general protection during a high risk time? Maybe it is a sign of our trends of permissiveness and reluctance to disappoint. In any case, nature set up the perfect scene of hot, dry lands and forceful, persistent winds for us to demonstrate human nature in a dramatic show. As a result, people, land, sky, anything living within this broad area, all must suffer while firefighters work to bring down the show. 

Police: Purpose and Perception

On Tuesday, May 5, 2015, at 1:30am, a low-life, scum, felon was roaming through my neighborhood with a gun. I was peacefully sleeping. Officer Sgt. Greg Moore came cruising through and saw a “suspicious individual.” He stopped the man and asked for his identification which he submitted for a background check. The felon then shot the officer, stole his gun while he lay on the ground, and drove off in the police car. I guess Mr. Felon thought it would be better to shoot and kill an officer rather than be apprehended as a felon with a gun in his possession. Officer Moore passed away later that day. The shooting took place just a block over from my home.

I own a gun. It is always locked away in a safe. This incident makes it clear that there truly are bad guys just outside my house in the middle of the night. One could easily kick in the front door or break in through a window. There I would be with my gun in my safe. More and more, I feel the need to have this weapon out and available. I am very grateful for police who choose to keep patrol and put themselves between citizens and criminals. They lessen the likelihood that I would need to hold a weapon and defend myself. I believe they would be more proficient at it than I.

In the past year, there have been several cases in the national news of people being killed by police while they attempt to apprehend those people. The cries of race and police use of excessive force are at a fever pitch. Though this needs to be assessed and police actions always need to be monitored because of the position of power they hold and the very fact that they carry lethal weapons, there is great danger in generalizing from the incidents in the news to the belief that all police are bad and deserve to be hated.

The review of Sgt. Moore’s life and service to community are a reminder of the good that police serve. 

http://www.cdapress.com/news/local_news/article_a40c90c2-517d-506a-9e55-dbb36fee4811.html

It has been proven over and over in studies that humans’ perceptions are easily skewed. The human mind focuses on significant, unusual events which stand out and then the mind generalizes, usually mistakenly, without taking in all of the data. People in various American cities are rioting based on emotion and perception. Over this week, my entire community has come out in support of the police. My neighborhood gathered in the park to raise donations and to sign a petition to rename our park after Sgt. Moore in his honor. Many of us appreciate those who choose to serve as police and daily put themselves in harm’s way to protect the rest of us. I would prefer to not have to use my gun. Last Tuesday, Sgt. Moore stepped in front of any one of us in my neighborhood who may have encountered the felon carrying a gun. 

Navigating Survivor Guilt Following Suicide or Other Death Circumstances

Yesterday, I ran a process therapy group with adolescents in a hospital setting. Another therapist had run the group with them the day before. One girl apologized and told me that they had spent the whole session the day before talking about her issue that she felt guilty for not having done something to prevent her friend from committing suicide. Despite their discussion, the girl said she still felt guilty. I did a quick survey of the 12 individuals in the group. All but two had experienced the death of someone they knew within the past year. Half of those deaths were the result of suicide. A third of the deaths had happened just in the previous month.

The girl explained that her friend had made a joking comment that he would commit suicide. She didn’t recognize that he meant it. I validated her belief that if she had recognized his reality, she might have been able to do something to influence him and prevent the suicide. Someone in the group confronted me, “Why are you doing that; you are making her feel worse?!” So as to let them know I was not just cruel, I gave them some of my background. I have been a therapist for over 20 years. I had a close family member commit suicide. I spent time with that person a few weeks before they did the suicide. I was a therapist at the time. I did not recognize that they were suicidal and so did nothing to intervene. I let the group know that, looking back after-the-fact, there were several signs in the person’s behaviors that could have alerted me to their suicidality. I emphasized to the group that as a therapist, I was supposed to recognize the signs and I was supposed to do something to help. But even with my training, I did not see it in my family member. A new girl in the group who was sitting in the back spoke up, “You don’t want to see it in your own family.” I agreed and stated, “It did not register in my mind.” Now the group understood that I certainly had reason to feel guilty and here I was talking to them about death, suicide and guilt.

We then talked about what could be done if the person’s suicidality was recognized. I emphasized getting the person to a professional such as a doctor or therapist. I also pointed out that there are multiple people who likely could have had a part in identifying the suicidal person’s need. It was not solely the responsibility of the one who felt guilty. I also noted that it is unknown if the suicidal person would have gone along with the treatment that would likely be recommended: medication and therapy. Many of the adolescents in the group had their own reservations about taking medication and/or going to therapy. I observed that they could look back and there would be many ‘ifs’ that if someone had said or done something, the situation could have turned out differently. Another girl in the group said, “You can’t go back and change the past.”

I then moved the group into reviewing the stages of grief. When we talked about denial, we discussed shock and trauma and the adaptive process the brain engages in to protect one from experiencing too much pain too fast. I pointed out that denial can occur before the death takes place. That it contributes to our not recognizing the serious suicidal intent in another. Several people in the group reacted as this helped them to understand. We reviewed bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Their thoughts, emotions, reactions were seen to be normal. Finally, the girl who had initiated the discussion stated, “Well, in some ways I feel worse but I also feel better. I would rather be honest and deal with reality. I think I am moving toward acceptance.” The entire group had worked through the concept that one can experience something very painful and can come to accept it and cope with the reality.