Everyone writes about health, exercise, and diet in January
for those expected New Year’s Resolutions. They write about how to get
motivated and how to stick with it. Now it is April. I have had some success at
losing a few pounds, but now find myself eating more chocolate and being bored
with keeping track of my daily food intake. Luckily, the weather is getting
nice. I have gone for a little lunchtime walk for the past three days at work.
And yesterday, I happily mowed the lawn for the first time this spring. I have
gone to the gym at least a couple of times each week over the winter, but I have
noticed an increasing difficulty in getting myself to go. I am doing much
reduced workouts since being injured. I have been observing my own mindset
since the injury and the very slow recovery from it.
Actually, I have been observing my mindset about exercise
since I was in high school. Back then, I was a complete non-athlete. I hated
physical education because I had no skills and no endurance. I was ineffective
and frequently felt embarrassment and shame. I actually did have some skills
but no one noticed. No one helped me develop them and put them to good use. I
could sprint and leave people in the dust. But in PE, we ran laps and I fell
way behind and it seemed so hard. Fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with
exercise induced asthma, and currently I use a daily inhaler. In high school, I
just thought I was lazy and weak. I had good hand-eye coordination. When I took
a summer tennis class, I had a natural, killer overhand serve. But I never
improved past beginner at playing the game. I could also throw darts quite
well. But I couldn’t catch or throw. I couldn’t dribble a basketball. I could
make free throws when I practiced, but not during a game. I lacked confidence.
The messages in my head held me back as did the possible opinions of
classmates. I had a sense that I was getting in my own way, but I couldn’t get
past it. I believed there was something wrong with me.
I was naturally thin, so I didn’t need to exercise. I still
was insecure. I was very knock-kneed and my mother had emphasized that along
with supposedly having weak ankles. I was very near sighted. It was quite bad
by the time I finally got glasses in the fifth grade. I think some of my lack
of ability came from not developing my eyesight. I believe I still lack in fully
observing my environment compared to the average person even with my eyesight
corrected. When I did get glasses, they were very thick and added to my
insecurity. Getting contacts a few years later definitely helped me to feel
better about myself. As I grew up, I was attractive, so I still didn’t need to
exercise. I had no cares about health.
In college, I joined a couple of friends in going to a gym
to lift weights. It was an individual activity with no one counting on me to be
good at something. I started out light and gradually increased repetitions and
very gradually increased the weight I was lifting. I discovered comparing
myself to myself and seeing gains in improvement was satisfying. After college
when I was married, I had to learn to walk. My husband liked to go hiking. I
was terrified of uneven ground and had to learn how to traverse even slight
changes in grade. Also, I wanted to begin walking for exercise around my
neighborhood. I was terrified to walk around the block. Some of my fear was a
social anxiety. I didn’t want people to see me. I didn’t want to approach
others and have any contact. I was shy and that embarrassment I felt in
childhood still was inside of me. Some of my fear was being female. My mother
had cautioned me in all manner of situations. We women could be prey. One of
the basic protections was to always have someone with you. It took pure will
power and a desire to overcome my fears in a personal growth experiment for me
to begin going for walks alone around my neighborhood for exercise. Eventually,
I was walking four miles at a fairly brisk pace. My confidence increased.
Several years later and still walking for exercise, I
decided I wanted to try jogging. I had had terrible experiences in middle
school and high school. I had tripped and fallen with my breath knocked out while
jogging around a track. I had overheated and almost passed out. I had tried to
jog just a little longer and found trying to increase in endurance was too
hard. I believed I just couldn’t do it. But the confidence I had gained from my
walking exercise had me ready to try again with jogging. I started with jogging
just a little bit. It was my social anxiety that threatened to sideline me. I
didn’t want anyone to see me jogging. I hid from cars driving by. I had learned
that increasing very gradually worked for me. So to build up my jogging
distance, I measured out one-tenth mile increments along my route and increased
weekly by that amount. I knew others would find that increase too small and too
slow. That is why I didn’t want to share in my activity with others. I still
don’t like to make use of a trainer or have anyone coaching me. Having someone
pushing me is bad for me.
But I improved. And I did start doing some of the local fun
runs and 5Ks with friends and family. I then became competitive with myself and
strove to improve my time compared to the year before in these various events.
Eventually, entirely on my own, I ran a 10k (6 miles) and then a 10-mile
course. Then, at the age of 40, I completed a half-marathon! I continued
training for a few races each summer and tried a half-marathon again hoping
that my experience and training would result in finishing faster than I did the
time before. It didn’t. I finished slower and even “bonked” or “hit the wall”
and could barely walk the last mile in. I decided I didn’t need to do half
marathons. I had proven my toughness to my satisfaction. I continued doing 5Ks
and 10Ks.
In 2014, I completed a 10K in September and was ready to
back off and rest from training for runs. By the end of October, my foot was
hurting after I had tried Pilates and doing a plank pose had really hurt while
being on my toes. My foot swelled and redness appeared. In November, an x-ray
didn’t show anything but it was assumed I had a stress fracture. I was placed into
a walking boot. Healing was not quick, linear, or efficient. I was in and out
of the boot as the foot did not heal completely. In January 2015, I had an MRI
of the foot which showed evidence of healing around a stress fracture. I spent
more time in the boot. This was throwing off my alignment and causing hip and
back pain. Finally, at the end of October 2015, I was cleared to be out of the
boot. Things didn’t suddenly improve. The hip and back pain continued and was
severe enough to make it impossible to roll over in bed most nights and was
disrupting my sleep. I am still recovering.
My mindset has had to change again. I have to be ok with
lesser, mild exercise without having a goal such as a race for which to train.
My pride is hurt. It doesn’t feel the same, not as satisfying. I am trying to
find my new niche. I am trying to choose a personal goal that fits my physical
condition. I am uncertain what activities I will be able to do for enjoyment. I
am waylaid and have felt a lack of motivation. This makes me anxious. It is
coming too close to how I felt as a non-athlete. I don’t want to give up, but
what will encourage me to continue striving. The warm spring weather and being
able to go for 20-30 minute walks, because of improved weather and because my
foot can handle it, is giving me hope and helping me to feel better. The mind,
with its perspective and self-evaluations, is behind everything we do. The kind
of shape it is in determines what we actually do. It is the basis for how far
we are able to go.
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