I have joined the clan of chronic illness. Don’t worry. I am not going to go on complaining about my miserable symptoms. Instead, I think it is very interesting how a therapist who has taught about cognitive distortions for over 20 years responded to some significant medical occurrences.
First, six years ago, I suddenly had a foot fracture. I had run a 10k two months before! As I was winding down from that, I took up Pilates. One day, I got into a plank position which caused pain in my toes. Then my foot swelled and it hurt to walk. It didn’t go away. The doctor said it was just the final straw on an overstressed fragile bone. The flawed structure of my foot shifted the pressure to a smaller bone when my foot landed during running. Well, that meant I really shouldn’t keep running. I was unhappy. Becoming a runner in my 40s had improved my self-image. Now, this just placed me back into the physically weak, uncoordinated, rejected role I had lived most of my life.
I healed from the foot fracture and stayed active with walking, hiking, swimming, and paddle boarding. While growing up, I was not athletic nor was I comfortable in or around water. These activities I took up independently out of my own interest and curiosity. This again contributed to improving my self-image.
Then, I developed a chronic cough. I had learned to wait things out and they usually went away. Plus, whenever I was out on the water, I could exert myself and not start coughing. Seemed like asthma to me. But the cough got worse, louder and more forceful. I was certain I was scaring everyone around me. Over more than a year passed as my doctor tried to eliminate possible causes. Then a CT scan of my lungs produced a very alarming picture. I was rushed in to see a lung specialist the next day. Soon I met with a lung surgeon and I was admitted to the hospital for a surgical lung biopsy.
The two nights in the hospital following the surgery were quite painful. This is where my own thinking became interesting. The pain was severe. I thought, “I can’t stand this! I can’t go all night hurting like this!” But it got worse. The pain medication caused me to vomit. “Do I take it for the pain? What if it makes me sick again? But this pain is too much!” I was hurting and could not get comfortable. The night was very long. I had the sense of despair. But I caught my own thinking and reminded myself that I was the one who taught others that your way of thinking can make the experience of pain worse. Time to take the medicine I handed out to others. I told myself I wasn’t going to die from the pain. It wouldn’t be forever. Others got through this sort of thing. I can handle it. Luckily, the pain was less the second night.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and began treatment. I was positive and had faith in the recommended treatment. The process to get cleared up and into remission took almost a year. But I was triumphant! I engaged in healthy activity and decided I would walk a 5k at the end of May. But as I increased my distance and pace, my foot began hurting down the side. I backed off a little and hoped the pain would go away. One day, I went for a little trail hike and knew I had to keep to a flat path and take it slow and careful. I knew this wasn’t good.
I ended up in a walking boot again with a stress fracture in a different spot. I was so upset that simply walking would cause a fracture! I was upset that I wasn’t capable of doing a 3.1-mile fun walk. This was going to be my marker of recovery from my lung issue. Nope.
I was still in the boot when it was time for a camping trip I had planned. I went camping and made the best of it. In years past, I wouldn’t have gone. Still, I was highly frustrated at my bad luck. I wasn’t experiencing the full joy of camping. Plus, a bone scan showed that I had osteoporosis years before I should. After about a decade of running which I was sure was building my bones up and protecting me, it turned out the treatment for my lung disorder may have contributed to bone weakening and loss! How could this be after all of my hard work and persistence? Why me?! I felt very discouraged and vulnerable. Then my cough returned! A CT scan again produced an awful picture. I went back on medication. Now I was knowingly taking something that harms bones in order to save my lungs. I felt trapped.
I am currently tapering down off of that. My foot has healed. Spring is around the corner. Shall I try it again? How much walking can I do? At what pace? Should I try to increase? What about hiking? Is it safe for me to go on mild natural trails? What if I mis-step? I am at risk for a hip fracture not just a foot fracture. But it seems I have some natural optimism (or the ability to distance myself from reality). I have plans to be active and to get as much enjoyment out of spring and summer as I can. My kayak and my paddle board are waiting!
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