Exactly two weeks after my blog post saying I would be
making the most of spring and summer, my state is under stay-at-home orders to
control the spread of the COVID19 virus. Due to my compromised immune system, I
was sent home from work even though the acute psychiatric unit is open as an
essential service. Now, the weather has turned cooler than average and it is
raining for several days in a row. My job still exists, so I am not in the dire
straits as are many others.
These conditions - staying home, being more isolated, not
productively working, uncertainty about the future – can take a toll on
people’s mental and emotional wellbeing. Anxiety and depression increase. There
are truly significant stressors and we do not want to deny that. However, we
can do certain things to help us tolerate the situation and persevere.
Of course, I always talk about managing one’s thoughts. I am
a cognitive-behavioral therapist after all. Try not be judgmental of yourself.
I am talking about the thoughts that you are worthless and lazy if you are not
working and you are a failure if you can’t support yourself or your family. The
appearance of the corona virus was completely out of our control. Government is
closing down the places of employment. And I know it is easier said than done,
but try not to think too much about the future. At least, don’t let your mind
go to the extreme catastrophe. Consciously each day take some time to just be.
Accept the current moment and do with it what you can. Take care of your home.
Spend some time on the hobby you never have time for. Listen when/if someone
wants to talk with you.
Give yourself a semblance of a schedule. At first, lounging
on the couch binge watching a favorite series on Netflix and taking naps, seems
wonderful. It doesn’t take long, though, until you start feeling sluggish and
bored. Decide on one or two things you want to attend to that day. Block out
some stretches of time to dedicate to those activities. They could be practical
things that you have neglected or more self-fulfilling things. But decide how
you will spend your time. You don’t have to schedule every hour, just give
yourself a time period such as in the morning and in the afternoon. Identify a
start time. And do take a shower somewhere in there. It will help you feel
better.
Take care of yourself. You know all of the healthy advice.
In particular, do try to go outside to breathe fresh air and hopefully get some
sunlight shining on you even if you have to stay on your porch. At least it is
spring and better weather is coming. My point is, be aware that certain
conditions exist which tend to encourage depression and anxiety in particular.
With that awareness, make choices to counter those effects.
I have joined the clan of chronic illness. Don’t worry. I am
not going to go on complaining about my miserable symptoms. Instead, I think it
is very interesting how a therapist who has taught about cognitive distortions
for over 20 years responded to some significant medical occurrences.
First, six years ago, I suddenly had a foot fracture. I had
run a 10k two months before! As I was winding down from that, I took up
Pilates. One day, I got into a plank position which caused pain in my toes. Then
my foot swelled and it hurt to walk. It didn’t go away. The doctor said it was
just the final straw on an overstressed fragile bone. The flawed structure of
my foot shifted the pressure to a smaller bone when my foot landed during
running. Well, that meant I really shouldn’t keep running. I was unhappy. Becoming
a runner in my 40s had improved my self-image. Now, this just placed me back
into the physically weak, uncoordinated, rejected role I had lived most of my life.
I healed from the foot fracture and stayed active with
walking, hiking, swimming, and paddle boarding. While growing up, I was not
athletic nor was I comfortable in or around water. These activities I took up independently
out of my own interest and curiosity. This again contributed to improving my
self-image.
Then, I developed a chronic cough. I had learned to wait things out
and they usually went away. Plus, whenever I was out on the water, I could
exert myself and not start coughing. Seemed like asthma to me. But the cough
got worse, louder and more forceful. I was certain I was scaring everyone
around me. Over more than a year passed as my doctor tried to eliminate
possible causes. Then a CT scan of my lungs produced a very alarming picture. I
was rushed in to see a lung specialist the next day. Soon I met with a lung
surgeon and I was admitted to the hospital for a surgical lung biopsy.
The two nights in the hospital following the surgery were
quite painful. This is where my own thinking became interesting. The pain was
severe. I thought, “I can’t stand this! I can’t go all night hurting like this!”
But it got worse. The pain medication caused me to vomit. “Do I take it for the
pain? What if it makes me sick again? But this pain is too much!” I was hurting
and could not get comfortable. The night was very long. I had the sense of despair.
But I caught my own thinking and reminded myself that I was the one who taught
others that your way of thinking can make the experience of pain worse. Time to
take the medicine I handed out to others. I told myself I wasn’t going to die
from the pain. It wouldn’t be forever. Others got through this sort of thing. I
can handle it. Luckily, the pain was less the second night.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and began treatment. I was positive and had faith in the recommended treatment.
The process to get cleared up and into remission took almost a year. But I was
triumphant! I engaged in healthy activity and decided I would walk a 5k at the
end of May. But as I increased my distance and pace, my foot began hurting down
the side. I backed off a little and hoped the pain would go away. One day, I
went for a little trail hike and knew I had to keep to a flat path and take it
slow and careful. I knew this wasn’t good.
I ended up in a walking boot again with a stress fracture in
a different spot. I was so upset that simply walking would cause a fracture! I
was upset that I wasn’t capable of doing a 3.1-mile fun walk. This was going to
be my marker of recovery from my lung issue. Nope.
I was still in the boot when it was time for a camping trip
I had planned. I went camping and made the best of it. In years past, I wouldn’t
have gone. Still, I was highly frustrated at my bad luck. I wasn’t experiencing
the full joy of camping. Plus, a bone scan showed that I had osteoporosis years
before I should. After about a decade of running which I was sure was building
my bones up and protecting me, it turned out the treatment for my lung disorder may have contributed to bone weakening and loss! How could this be after all of my hard
work and persistence? Why me?! I felt very discouraged and vulnerable. Then my
cough returned! A CT scan again produced an awful picture. I went back on medication. Now I was knowingly taking something that harms bones in
order to save my lungs. I felt trapped.
I am currently tapering down off of that. My foot has
healed. Spring is around the corner. Shall I try it again? How much walking can
I do? At what pace? Should I try to increase? What about hiking? Is it safe for
me to go on mild natural trails? What if I mis-step? I am at risk for a hip
fracture not just a foot fracture. But it seems I have some natural optimism
(or the ability to distance myself from reality). I have plans to be active and
to get as much enjoyment out of spring and summer as I can. My kayak and my
paddle board are waiting!
