“I can’t say, ‘No.’ I don’t want to make them mad at me!”
This person is struggling with setting a boundary. The person doesn’t want to
go along with someone’s request, but is more concerned with the other’s feelings
than how agreeing to the request makes the person themselves feel. Now, it is
good to be thoughtful and helpful and to care about others’ needs. The problem
comes when an individual always compromises and ignores or subverts one’s own
needs and feelings. The problem is being out of balance and skewed in favor of
the other too much. People do have the right to care about themselves, to
protect themselves.
Boundaries are the limits we put into place to protect
ourselves from being harmed by others. They are rules which guide people such
that they don’t harm each other. People with healthy boundaries respect the boundaries
of other people, even if the other people do not know to enforce those
boundaries themselves. Harm comes about in situations where people with poor
boundaries interact. A common scenario is the combination of a person who doesn’t
respect others’ boundaries taking advantage of someone who isn’t good at
recognizing and enforcing their own boundaries. Some people care so little of
others’ boundaries that they cross them even when they are clearly expressed,
for example, a thief steals even with signs saying ‘Shoplifters will be
prosecuted.’ The crossing of boundaries can happen on a continuum from simply,
without malice, not recognizing that a boundary exists to quite knowingly pressing
through boundaries.
Pia Mellody, in her book, “Facing Codependence,” gives an
excellent explanation of the various combinations of intact and non-intact
boundaries. She also explains how boundaries are learned. In general, we learn
boundaries as children from our parents who both teach us and demonstrate by
their own behavior, how we should be in this world. A child who grows up with parents
with poor boundaries, for example, a child who is being sexually molested, is
not taught appropriate boundaries, has its own inherent boundaries crossed by a
more powerful adult, and doesn’t learn what appropriate boundaries are or even
that they can have their own boundaries. This child grows up having difficulty
even knowing how to gauge appropriate boundaries. People generally do grow up
having learned boundaries, and vary in their abilities to enforce boundaries in
different situations with different people. For example, a person may be very
good at holding boundaries with acquaintances but doesn’t maintain boundaries
and gives in easily to Mother’s demands.
Most of us struggle to sort out boundaries in complex
situations. It is overly simplistic to think we can simply say, “No,” in any
situation which makes us uncomfortable. For example, at work, people cannot simply
refuse to do aspects of a job they don’t like doing. However, when job duties
are compounded so much that they practically cannot be completed in the
allotted time and this continues indefinitely such that it is causing burnout
in the employee, this would be the time for the employee to recognize limits
and boundaries and speak to the employer about making changes. (Labor laws
exist to protect employees from abuse.) In personal relationships, people must
compromise and take into account each other’s feelings and needs, but when does
one person’s compromising become unhealthy self-deprivation or another’s lack
of compromise become selfishness rather than healthy self-care.
There are five tactics which help in setting boundaries:
Recognize your own feelings. The first step in setting
appropriate boundaries is honoring your own feelings. Do not deny or ignore any
feelings. Some feelings have gained a bad reputation as being “bad” feelings or
“weak” feelings. In fact, all feelings are guides and should be noticed. Feeling
nervous or uncomfortable may be an instinct telling you something isn’t right.
Anger and frustration can be signals that you need to enforce a boundary or ask
for changes to be made. Sadness could mean you are not taking care of your own
needs.
Know your preferences. Sometimes people do not enforce
boundaries because they do not know their own opinion! When a person doesn’t
know what they like or what they want, they open the door for others to do the
choosing for them. If you can’t make a decision, someone else will make it for
you. When you leave all of the choices and decisions up to someone else, over
time, you lose yourself. Some find they “don’t even know who I am.” Notice your
own likes and dislikes, have a favorite color, know what vegetables you like
and don’t like, have an opinion on what movie to see.
Be reasonable, give yourself guidelines. Decide what you are
willing to live with and when it is time to speak up. For example, you might
choose to speak up when something has annoyed you at least three times. If it
only happens once, you don’t say anything, you just tolerate it. If it happens
repeatedly, three times in our example, you determine this is worth speaking up
about and asking for change. Practice assertive communication. Or you might
have values be your guidelines. You might decide that you will not live with
someone who breaks your trust or who isn’t loyal. Know your own values.
Practice honesty. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with
others. Many of us have been taught to lie in the practice of being polite. We
have been taught it is polite to always appear happy. It is polite to not be a
bother to others. When someone asks you how your day was, it is ok to reply, “Some
good, some bad,” rather than the standard, non-informative, “It was fine.” Or
we have learned to lie by omission. We do not want to burden others with our
own experiences, so we don’t tell. But the reality is we are not having true,
real relationships with others, if we do not share our own experience. We lose
ourselves and our ability to have boundaries when we don’t express our honest
experience.
Learn to say, “No.” Many people shudder in fear and
trepidation at the thought of actually saying “No” to any request. But we
become over-committed and then over-stressed when we are not able to set limits
on our time and energy we have available to give to others. We harm ourselves, and
others take advantage when we are not able to set a firm limit. Abusers are
attracted to those who don’t recognize their own right to hold a limit. The
December 2013 issue of Psychology Today magazine has an article by Judith Sills, PhD
titled, “The Power of No.” She provides guidelines on how to begin the practice
of effectively, kindly, assertively saying “No.”
Maintaining boundaries is a way to protect ourselves from
interpersonal harm. It is also how we stay connected to our own identity.
Boundaries help us to maintain the “self.” To be human is to be in relationship
with other humans. Learning to have boundaries in relationships with other
people contributes to healthier, more equal relationships for all involved.
