Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

I first read, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” (1987) by Susan Jeffers, as a college student. A few key points have remained with me throughout life, even without specifically going back to the text for a reference.

The title itself has often been a mantra in the back of my mind. In situations where I want to take a beneficial course of action, but I am nervous about my ability or the actual outcome, I tell myself, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” It helps me to have the energy and confidence to take action.

In explaining how to get past fear to make a decision, Jeffers points out that at each step, we make a choice. Then, we find out how that turns out. If we do not like how it turns out, we make another choice. There is always another choice to be made. This seems obvious when stated, but we can tend to operate as if a particular decision is all there is. We tell ourselves we have to get it right. In actuality, we cannot know all aspects or know for certain the outcome of our choices. It is more important to know we can make further choices and that we are capable of managing what comes of our choices. I believe my grandmother used to say, “What come, what may.” Jeffers states, “Every time you encounter something that forces you to ‘handle it,’ your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way, your fears are diminished immeasurably.” (Chapter 7, p. 117.)

In chapter eight, a life grid is presented which shows the importance of diversifying the number and type of people or activities which we value. I have used this grid to help get this concept across to my clients. For example, some people put all of their focus and energy into a relationship with another person. Nothing else in life is of much significance. In this instance, the grid is a single large box filled completely with RELATIONSHIP. If that relationship ends, the box goes blank, demonstrating what the person has of importance in their life – nothing. This puts the person into crisis. Instead, if a person develops several areas of value, several areas in which they invest their energy and focus, then they have an actual grid of several squares, each representing a different area of importance in their life: school, work, friends, relationship, hobby, spirituality, health. In this situation, if one area of importance slips or struggles, there are still several other areas which remain important and bring value into the person’s life. The multiple areas of value buffer and support the person while struggling in the one area. Their entire life does not go into crisis.

In an article related to this topic, “How to Make Yourself Do It When You Just Don’t Want To,” Halvorson lists as reason number one for procrastinating “being afraid you will screw it up.” While Jeffers emphasizes developing confidence in one’s ability to handle any outcome, Halvorson encourages thinking of the possible negative outcomes of non-action as a motivator to go ahead and do the thing you are nervous about doing. She also discusses a couple of other reasons for procrastination and specific ways to address them. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201402/how-make-yourself-do-it-when-you-just-dont-want

Jeffers’ book is helpful to people who know they could make changes and improve their experience of life, but who stay frozen by their own fears.

Ten Attitudes Helpful for Personal Growth

Develop these ten attitudes that support creating a better life and quality relationships:

Valuing Lifelong Learning – You want to know more about self, about human nature, about science, about new discoveries.

Curiosity – Children learn and grow naturally, with enthusiasm and enjoyment, through curiosity. Adults can continue to cultivate an attitude of curiosity.

Hope – You have hope for positive changes and outcomes.

Desire to Become the Best One Can Be – This is not just for the Army. There is more than just surviving, getting by. You may find fulfillment in striving for self-actualization, becoming one’s best version of self.

Open-Minded – We grow by becoming aware of new approaches, ways of thinking, new information.

Saying ‘Yes’ to New Opportunities and Challenges – You have a willingness to try, to go along.

Believing One Deserves Improved Circumstances – Value yourself to be just as worthy as others. Don’t just settle.

Willingness to Work – You are able to see aspects of self that can be improved upon. You are willing to expend effort for personal gain.

Desire for Quality Life Experiences – You understand that life is, indeed, short. You want to fill life with good experiences and positive relationships.

Desire to Contribute One’s Unique Talents to Humanity – Self-improvement is a positive contribution to others, to friends and family, and to society.

Is there a quality or two on this list that you want to focus on? Are there some qualities that you already find helpful? Is there a quality you would add to this list?

Halt the Calamity

Cognitive Distortions, Thinking Errors, and Distorted Thinking: We all do it. I have been a licensed therapist for 20 years teaching this subject to others and I still do it. Our human brains are wired to work in these ways. The brain takes in multitudes of information per second. Then, it has to identify, sort, classify, and make sense of the incoming information and make decisions about it. It takes short-cuts to make this process fast and efficient. Most of the time, the short-cut method works very well and is necessary for our quick thinking minds. But those short-cuts can also cause misperceptions. They can trip us up. We can’t always trust that because we think it, we are correct in our thinking.

It is important to know about cognitive distortions, because when we think in these ways, whatever emotion we are having is increased. If we are angry and engage in distorted thinking, it causes us to be angrier. If we are depressed, we feel worse. If we are anxious and worried about something, our cognitive distortions increase the anxiety. We want to be able to recognize our own distorted thinking so that we don’t make our experience of a situation worse than it needs to be.

Distorted thinking is not something you are going to completely eliminate. The goal is to learn what cognitive distortions are, be able to recognize them when they come in to your thinking, and then adjust your thinking to be more realistic. Now, there is a lot of talk about positive thinking, and it is a valuable endeavor. But I like to point out that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes bad things happen and we can’t say anything positive about it. Sometimes things happen that are horrendous. So cognitive distortions need to be changed, but they don’t always have to be changed to a positive thought. Cognitive distortions simply need to be put back into reasonable perspective.

I am going to discuss ten of the cognitive distortions presented by David Burns in his book, “Feeling Good,” (1980) and suggest how to counter them with something more realistic:

All-or-Nothing, Either/Or, Black-and-White Thinking: The person thinks in extremes and does not see other possibilities or variables. The person thinks, “It is either this or that.” For example, “They either love me or hate me, “I am either good or bad,” I am either a success or a failure” The person may have perfectionistic tendencies such that when they earn an 80% on a test, they conclude that they are a failure. In fact, they did well on 80%, which is not failing.
Change it to: There are a number of possibilities which exist on a continuum. Give credit to that which falls in-between the extremes.

Overgeneralization: The person takes a single event and sees it as an ongoing constant. The person thinks, “This always happens.” For example, “You never listen to me,” “You always do that,” “I always screw up,” “You never finish anything you start.” Words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ are clues that one is making an overgeneralization.
Change it to: Observe only the present situation, such as “Right now, you don’t seem to be listening.”

Negative Mental Filter: The person gives more attention to negative events or negative variables and does not notice positives or dismisses positives as not as important as the negative. For example, a person in a good mood looks out a window at a blue sky with a single cloud and thinks, “It is going to be a beautiful day! The sky is mostly sunny and blue!” A person in a low mood uses Negative Mental Filter, looks out a window at a blue sky with a single cloud and thinks, “This is going to be a miserable day. See that cloud. It is going to cloud up and rain.”
Change it to: Notice what is going well or what is right along with the negative. The positive holds as much weight as the negative. This is the time for changing negative thinking to positive thinking. Remind yourself to direct your attention to the positive aspects of a situation.

Related article:

http://www.learning-mind.com/5-mistakes-our-brain-makes-every-day/

Magnification or Minimization: The person thinks of a problem as much worse than it is or, on the other hand, doesn’t give enough significance to a real problem. With minimization, the person thinks or says, “It doesn’t really matter” or “It is no big deal.” With magnification, the person catastrophizes, and reacts as if a moderate problem is of life or death significance. For example, a woman over-reacts to having broken her nail or having a bad-hair-day. A man slips or makes a mistake while making a repair and throws his tools and the object being repaired around the room.
Change it to: “I can get through this. With some patience and practice, it will get done.”

Should Statements:  The person thinks in terms of moral rules applied to oneself and to others. The person mentally whips themselves to take action. For example, thinking “I should do this or that,” “I had better do such-and-such,” “I need to do this.” Or the person looks at the past and thinks, “I should have done such-and-such.” The person applies judgment to other people on how they should behave. For example, “That person should apologize to me, and until they do, I am not going to speak to them.”
Change it to: When motivating oneself, say “I want to get this done before the next thing.” Changing ‘should’ or ‘have to’ into ‘want’ is more positive and helps a person feel more in control instead of driven. When it comes to other people, keep in mind that they do not have to live according to rules in your mind. There are a number of ways to approach most situations.

Labeling: The person observes a single behavior and applies a general label. In other words, the person engages in name-calling, usually of a negative nature such as: stupid, clumsy, lazy.
Change it to: Discuss only the behavior in that moment. Remember that people are complex and we only see snippets of their entire personality in a moment.

Emotional Reasoning: The person has a feeling and believes that is proof that something is true. The person makes decisions and takes action based on feeling, not factual evidence. For example, a person feels they are going to make a fool of themselves and they feel an interview will go badly, so they choose to not go to the interview at all.
Change it to: Just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. Feelings are not facts.

Personalization: The person takes on full responsibility for things that are outside of their control. For example, a parent attributes their child’s misbehavior entirely to their own failure as a parent when other variables could be involved such as the child’s inherent temperament or hyperactivity. Another example would be a spouse blaming themselves for their partner’s alcoholic overindulgences.
Change it to: Be aware that all people are responsible for their own behavior. Take responsibility only for that which you control, that is, your own choices and actions.

Comparison Game: The person compares him/herself to someone who seemingly has more or better belongings or attributes.
Change it to: Know that each situation is unique and most comparisons are not equal or fair. It is reasonable to strive for something. It is not reasonable to put oneself down because of not having what another has. Notice one’s own worthwhile qualities and work to improve and to grow from where one is at that point in time. A positive form of the comparison game is to compare one’s own situation to those less fortunate and to then be grateful for the blessings one does have.

Jumping to Conclusions: The person takes minimal information and assumes full knowledge. In Mind-Reading, the person sees an expression on another’s face or observes body language or actions and assumes they know what another is thinking. The person does not check with the other for accurate clarification. In Fortune-Telling, the person assumes a negative outcome to a future event.
Change it to: Don’t assume. Ask if you are correct in your thinking. Communicate.

If you want to work on your own cognitive distortions, pick one or two and keep track for a few days of each time you think in those ways. Just keeping track of them will lead to you reducing your use of them. Then, practice changing your typical ways of distorted thinking into something more realistic for the particular situation at hand. It is most useful during a time of high emotion to notice cognitive distortions and change them so that they do not contribute to the intense emotion. Keeping a journal is a good method for catching distorted thinking and taking time to put it into better perspective.

Can you share a time when your own thinking errors made a situation worse than it needed to be?