Taking care of oneself includes speaking up when something
is amiss. It means you do not just stay quiet and tolerate or put up with
behaviors from others which are bothering you. Reasons people tend to not speak
up include: fear of the other person’s reaction, not wanting to be rude, not
believing they have the right to say anything, not wanting to hurt someone else’s
feelings, fear of it turning into an argument, fear of retribution or a
negative outcome, and more.
Learning how to initiate a conversation about a problem
issue with less inflammatory words can go a long way in promoting problem
solving rather than conflict. When making a statement about what is bothering
them, many people resort to statements which begin with the word, ‘you.’ For
example, “You never listen to me!” or “You make me so angry!” The problem with
starting a statement with ‘you’ is that it is accusatory and it quickly results
in the receiving person becoming defensive. Immediately, they are less open to
listening and more into supporting their own position. Sentences starting with ‘you’
are fighting words.
If you really want to bring up a problem to have it worked
through and resolved with the important people in your life, you need to bring
it up in a manner which is more egalitarian, which presents it as a shared
problem to resolve, our problem.
A simple change is to replace ‘you’ with ‘I’ at the
beginning of a statement.
Starting a statement with ‘I’ sends the message that you
recognize you are presenting your point of view, your feelings, reactions,
perspective, and that there could be a different perspective. It allows for the
possibility that there could be a misunderstanding. It allows for discussion.
There is a formula for creating useful ‘I’ statements:
I (think/feel) ____________ when you (do some behavior), and
I would like you to (do something different.)
Using this formula also helps to focus the discussion on a
particular specific problem rather than some vague, blanket accusation about
the other’s character.
For example, the above statement of “You never listen to me!”
becomes “I feel ignored when you text while I am talking; I wish you would stop
and give me your full attention.” The statement, “You make me so angry!”
becomes “I am getting too angry, I need a moment to calm down.” In both ‘I’
statements, the speaker takes some responsibility for their own feelings and
perspective. Both leave room for further discussion of each person’s
point-of-view on the matter.
Common pitfalls:
People say “I feel” and then follow it with their thoughts
on the matter. Saying “I feel” does not make it all ok if you still state judgments
and accusations.
The wrong way: “I feel you are a selfish pig!”
The right way, “I feel discounted.” “I think it is rude when
people talk over others. I think it means they don’t value the other person.”
Also, it is not necessary to completely eliminate the word ‘you’
from the statement. The important thing is to not start the statement with ‘You.’
When describing the problem behavior, the word ‘you’ may still be used. For
example, “I get upset when you leave your underwear on the floor.”
Using ‘I’ statements doesn’t mean you are ‘right’ and others
have to comply with your directions for their behavior. Remember, you are
entitled to your own feelings, but people don’t always have to behave according
to your directions. Using ‘I’ statements is a tool for open discussion; it is
not a tool for controlling others.
Changing to ‘I’ statements doesn’t guarantee conflict free
communication, it just gives improved communication a chance. There are many
variables involved in successful communication, such as timing, stress levels,
personality, values and beliefs, to name a few.
If you want to be part of the solution, try implementing a
change to using ‘I’ statements.
